5 sexy do's for Bhutan

1. First you need to learn about Drukpa Kuenlay, also known as the Divine Madman, Bhutan's favorite Lama. Drukpa Kuenlay came to Bhutan from Tibet in the 15th century armed with a bow and arrow, which he magically used to find suitable virgins to have sex with. Whomever the arrow pointed at, Drukpa Kuenlay would hump.

2.Upon visiting the temple of Drukpa Kuenlay in Punakha get a blessing from the temple's Lama, who is considered to be a re-incarnation of the Divine Madman. The Lama will give you some holy water to sip and rub into your eyes and hair. Then he will tap you head with Divine Madman's origininal bow and two wooden dildos! I promise that it will be a deeply spiritual experience.

3. If you ever wanted children then this is the best place in the world to pray for having one, so pray! The Bhutanese believe that spending a night in the temple will guarantee a child, and they'll be more than happy to tell you how many Western women have found help in this temple after having gone through fruitless fertility treatments for years. If you don't have the time to mull around the temple for long, just get the blessing from the Lama. Even that will help.

4. Should you want to know that your prayers have been answered you need to ask the Lama to let you play dice. Roll the three in pursuit of the sum total of nine, the most auspicious number in the temple. You may guess which number I got...

5. After visiting the temple join the Bhutanese in their belief that painting a huge phallos symbol next to the entrance to your house is not only funny but the best way to keep your home a happy place. How indeed could you be miserable if everytime you went home you were greated by an ejaculating phallos which looks like it's grinning? Screw Feng Shui - phallos points the way to perfect decoration.

Arriving in Bhutan: 8 do's

1. When flying to Paro in Bhutan, try to get a seat on the left side of the plane. That way you will have the chance to see Mount Everest and some other highest mountains in the world from the plane. It helps if you have a clear mental image of Everest - otherwise it can be hard to discern and plane flies past it really quick!

2. Upon landing you will arrive at a very quiet airport. Paro, the only airport in the kingdom of Bhutan receives 2-3 flight a day, all operated by Druk Air, which has a neetly sized fleet of two

plains, flight attendants recruited from the new and popular Miss Bhutan competition and six pilots.

3. Try how it feels like to be Japanese and take lots of photos at the airport. If you had a good seat on the plane, those photos taken from the window should be followed by appropriate shots of the airport. Of course!

4. Be greeted by your personal driver and guide after proceeding through painfully slow passport control and meticulous customs. Congrats! You've reached the ultimate in travel - being escorted around from castles to buffet dinners like grandma on a package tour, only that the others are missing and the guide will respond to any of your whims with a "yes of course we can do it" -smile.

5. If you feel a little stupid about being so pampered, keep in mind, that 60 percent of the 200 dollars you are paying per day to be here goes to the wellbeing of the Bhutanse. Thanks to the tourists who cough up the money to come here, the government can fund free education and health care for its people, which I think, is quite nice.

6. After checking into a very plush hotel in backpacker standards (Telly! Clean white sheets! Towels! Dressing table! Soft mattress! Heaven!) stroll around Thimpu before buffet dinner in the hotel.

7. Now, wouldn't it be nice to see some nightlife in the capital city? Head out to one of the dance clubs where women dance in thick silk jackets and skirts which could stand if they had feet. The dancing does not involve much more then moving weight from one leg to another but it's entertaining enough for a while. And the beer is really cheap, like 80 Indian rupees a bottle, which is less than half what you'd pay in any bar in India.

8. Shun the dance club to go play some Carme with monks in one of the many small bar joints in Thimpu. I can assure you that there is very little Zen in the way these monks whack their Carme board ! They will kick your ass and laugh!

7 do's for the Kathmandu night

1. Get acquinted with people who can take you to drink tongba. Razu at the Mount View guesthouse might prove to be your new best friend if he takes you to Dorje restaurant. If you can't find Razu, you can try locating Dorje yourself. Facing south, take a left turn from Jyatha road just past the Danish bookstore. Walk 20 meters. Dorje will be on your right in the tiny little alley. Say hi to Ases, Udey and Provin for me, okay?

2. Drink tongpa - probably the most ingenious alcoholic beverage in the world.

3. Here's how: Pour hot water over fermented millet seeds in a wooden bucket. Then suck the water out with a straw. Do it again. One tongpa is good for 3-5 rounds.

4. Order more tongpa.

5. When you've had enough tongpa, you've got three options. If you can avoid the obvious one, which is a) collapse you can either b)go see one of the Thamel cover bands play or c) go to a dance club.

6. In case you opt for b) both Namaste Cafe and TNT are nice. The bands all play the same stuff ranging from Arctic Monkeys to Jimi Hendrix but not all of them are good. (In fact, most of them are not.)

So before ordering an expensive beer (usually around 300 rupees) sit around for a while to see if the band is decent. If it isn't move to the next bar.

7. In case you opt for c), be prepared to see a grotesque striptease show in which the dancers don't strip. They just mull around the stage and sometimes take a shower. If you happen to run a fashion agency and have experience in training models to walk in high heels, then I think the girls in these bars could use your help. Oh, and bring lots of cash. You'll have to cough up at least 400 rupees for a beer here.

Bathing with elephants? No thanks

It's cruel. It's abuse. It's wrong. Elephant bathing is one of those things which in a guide book seem like the funniest thing you could ever do, but the reality of it is quite different.

I watched a few tourists "help an elephant bathe" in the Chitwan National Park in Nepal.

The procedure is simple. The dumbo driver tells the elephant to lie down in the shallow river. The tourists climb on and the driver tells the elephant to get up.

Then the biggest mammal in the world gushes water from his trunk to the tourist's face. Ha-ha.

Elelphant is told to go down again and splash, into the river the tourist dives.

Which would be very nice and funny if the elephant wasn't whacked and kicked to perform this tourist ritual.

"Helping an elephant bathe" a term used in the LP was one of the things I really wanted to do in Nepal. I get all silly around these massive animals. Their presence is so commanding, yet they seem so emphatetic as if their yielding to man's wishes was only because they wanted to help out. Elephants are my favourite animals.

A visit to the Elephant Breeding Center will clear one's head of such childish thougts. The croggy little informantion centers goes into surprising detail explaining how elephants are trained for taking tourists to tour the national park.

They start training the elephants when they are 2-4 years old. The young elephant is separated from his mother, and given very little food a water to make it weak. They chain its legs and then drag it around, using a particular little axe to force it forward. Worst of all they treat the elephant's sensitive skin (yes, the elephant's sensitive skin) with fire so that it gets hardened enough for a saddle. After a month's torture the massive animal has succumbed.

Not fun at all.

I've heard that there have been initiatives to find softer ways to train elephants. I really hope that they succeed.

PS.

The info center also tells the tale of wild male elephants who go to nearby villages in search of home brewed alcohol and get drunk. That part of the center I really liked. And the amazingly cute baby elephants who thump around freely in the center. If only watching them did not make one feel so guilty.

Want to see rhinos in Chitwan? Go find a waiter called Santos

If it wasn't for Santos I don't think I would have seen any rhinos in Chitwan National Park.

These days spotting one is a matter of luck - due to lack of surveillance, poachers have been enjoying a field day in Chitwan.

I booked two trips to the national park, both on the same early November day as that way I could escape paying the park fee of 500 rupees twice.

At 6.30 I embarked on a canoe which took me to the park. The 50 minute ride was nice. I saw a silly looking small gharial crocodiles and some XL-sized birds I don't know the name of.

We got dropped off at a sandy beach. Then it was only me and my guide, a plomp little fellow, whom you wouldn't think would survive in the jungle a minute. He was the man I actually booked the jungle safari with the previous night. I thought he was just running the travel aganecy - he certainly had all the characteristics of a travel agent. The fellow was jokey and a tinsy bit slimy, the type you wouldn't want to trust your life with in the jungle but almost decent for a travel agent. Seeing him in his greens, ready to accompany me to the jungle was quite shock.

In to the jungle we went.

"Sometimes rhinos come here to graze", he told me when we were walking through some grass that towered high above our heads, his in particular.

"But not today", I filled in.

"Not today."

We kept repeating this conversation a numerous time during out jungle walk.

There were a few monkies and a lonely looking dear but other than that, no animals were to be seen in Chitwan, Nepal's prime natural park.

I came back from the jungle walk utterly dissappointed, which was stupid as I did know that sightings can be rare in Chitwan. But one always hopes, that this walk, the walk I'm doing, is a successful one. Hope. The wrong attitude for any safari activity.

Irritated, I went to look for lunch. I ended up in Tiffins by the river, a good way from the crowds. Tiffins was empty this time of the day - I was later to learn that Tiffins is always empty, which is a shame, cause the family who runs the place is too nice for the over-touristy Sauraha which is where you live when you are visiting Chitwan.

I told Santos, the family's eldest son, and a handsome at that as well, about my unlucky safari.

He's response blew me by surpise. He was so sincerely sorry for me, the fat white tourist I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

This young man, who's family had moved to Sauraha from their native Gorkha in pursuit of a better life, but who were barely making it there, looked at me which such a sorrow in his eyes that he would have made pre-divorce pricess Diana look like Tinkerbell on amphetamine.

When I left to hop on an elephant safari, he said:

"I really wish you'll see a rhino", like seeing a rhino really that important.

I probably should mention that I've seen quite a few rhinos in South Africa's famed Kruger park. The greedy tourist in me just wanted to see a rhino again. I had paid for it, hadn't I?

So off I went to get on an elephant. I got a nasty back seat on the dumbo and bickered about that too, of course.

Then five minutes in to the jungle we spotted two rhinos. There they were, right at the entrance grazing away like rhinos do, unbothered about what's going on around them. The beasts can't really see much, but they are big enough not to have any natural enemies so they don't give a rats ass about honky tourists zooming their cameras at them.

After the 1,5 hour long safari I went running to Tiffin.

" I saw a rhino! I saw two! And it's all because of you hoped for me to see one."

Santos smiled.

I ordered a Gorkha beer and their Kaju set, which is Nepalese flattened rice, dal, fried potatoes, garlicky buffalo and pickle and watched the sun set over the jungle.

Tansen - a Nepali town without the tourists

Tansen is the type of city that forces a smile on your face even if your guest house faces the noisy bus station and suffers from seriously bad plumbing.

The bad news first. Accomodation in the lovely mediaval city of Tansen does not quite measure the charm of its location. I searched and searched and what I found was bug infested, dirty rooms. I walked out of the Lonely Planet recommended "cheerful cheapie" hotel Bajra in a minute and I'm glad that I did - a couple I met who stayed there were madly itchy from bug bites. The other guest houses mentioned in the book were full, I guess with local tourists as Wessies

are an endeeringly rare site in Tansen.

I ended up in hotel Simrik in a room that smelled like shit but at least it didn't smell as bad as the toilet on the other side of the corridor. The odours of all the piss corners of all the Indian bus stations combined together are Chanel 5 compared to that toilet. Now, did I make myself clear?

On to the good news.

1.Tansen sits on a beautiful hill, topped by a little pine forest and a small Buddha statue.

2. Tansen's center cannot be entered by motorized vehicles as the roads are too steep for them. You'll get to wander around town unbothered by honking horns.

3. And there's so much wandering around to do! The little alleys are filled with vegetable and tailor's shops, chow mein restaurants and tea houses that sell delicious fresh Nepali bread, which actually isn't like bread at all but more like a first cousin of doughnut.

4. No kid will ask you for sweets or money. Most often they won't even hello you. They say "namaste" which is what they should say as you are in Nepal after all.

5. This is the kind of old fashioned place you normally only get to see in the black and white American movies before rock'n'roll came to town. The scenic spots harbour not tourists but shy young couples trying hard not to be seen. The guys will readily volunteer you information on where to go next as they are most eager to get rid of intruders to their romantic moment. How sweet they are!

6. The Nanglo West restaurant, the only upscale one in town, serves amazing Nepali food sets for a fraction of the price you would pay in Pokhara or Kathmandu in a similar place. Beware the garlic!

7. This, I believe, is Nepal.

10 cheapskate tips for the Poon Hill trek in Nepal

The Poon Hill trek is one of the easiest and most famous shorter treks you can do in Nepal. It takes a minimum of four days but can be easily extended to six. The views to the Annapurnas will melt your heart at least if you are new to the Nepali Himalayas.

If you are trying to travel cheap bare in mind that the mountains add an extra charge to everything. Budget 10 euros a day and you'll be quite comfy.

1. You really don't need a guide. The trails are marked well enough and like it or, there's always someone you can ask for directions. The last thing you want to spend your precious pennies on is a cheap guide (500 rs, 5 euros a day), who doesn't speak English that well. There are guides, who are amazingly fluent even in Japanese, should you feel like practicing konnichiwa-ing, but they come with a dear price tag (at least 18 euros a day).

2. You really don't need a porter for the Poon Hill trek (approximately 8 euros a day). Just pack light. I did my layndry every night and only carried a t-shirt, pair of socks and underwear, a light jacket and light pants. In addition I brought along a travel towel, a camera, a torch, necessary medication and four musli bars and a bag of peanuts for emergencies. I was fine although a book would have been nice.

3. You don't even need to invest in a proper map (300 rs). For the Poon Hill trek the kiddy map you get with your hiking permit (2000 rupees) is enough. I'm actually quite thankful I didn't have a map which would have warned me that it's 3820 wide steps up from Tikhedunga to Ulleri. With that knowledge I probably would have collapsed half way through.

4. One thing you must take along are water purification tablets or drops. The price of bottled water in the hills is obscene (250 rupees a litre) which is fair enough as empty water bottles are a serious menace to the environment. You should be made to pay if you are going to pollute!

5. Here's how the accomodation system works: You pay a hundred rupees per person for a bed, irrespective of whether you are one person staying in a double room or three persons staying in a triple. But to get the cheap price you must commit yourself to eating both dinner and breakfast at your guesthouse. If you'd rather eat someplace else the price of a double can go up to 500 rupees...

6. ...Which means that it really isn't worth while trying to cook for yourself. In addition to having to pay loads more for the room, the guesthouses charge 400 rupees for the use of their kitchen facilities.

7. The cheapskates are better of contenting themselves to a diet of noodle soup and momos for the duration of the trek. They are the cheapest items on the menus all of which have the same items on them. A veg noodle soup costs a hundred rupees and plate of momos about 160 rupees depending on the filling. A pizza goes for 300 rs.

8. Get your online stuff sorted before you get moving. You can get on the internet in Ghorepani, but it costs 300 rupees per hour which I do think is a fairer price than the 100 rs you have to pay in Pokhara. You are in the mountains after all. (In comparison, in the non-touristy towns of Mahendranagr and Tansen the price of an online hour is 30-40 rupees.)

9. If you really must have a cinnamon roll (100 rs) or any other "German bakery" item, buy it in early the morning when you can bargain the price down because the roll was baked yesterday. It's still pretty good.

10. Here's the oddest thing: it's usually cheaper to buy separate cups of tea then share a small or a big pot of tea. A small pot goes for 120 rupees whereas a cup costs 35. The small pot barely has three cups in it. It makes absolutely no sense but that's how it is.

Most importantly: every time you feel like bickering about the price remember that in most cases it has been carried up to the village so that you could have a comfortable stay.

Pokhara, Nepal: At least the rat should be happy

Pokhara, or Pokhara base camp, like the gore tex gang likes to call it, was a similar exprerience to the Indian town of Leh. I had massive expectations which were not met. I was hoping to see a Nepali town but instead I ended up in a tourist ghetto, albeit a friendly one.

Yet the only reason for the masses of tourists to go there is to leave it to go trekking.

For that it's perfect. There are a zillion cheapish banana pancake restaurants, traveller's agents and a few expensive restaurants which offer free wi-fi, which is a better option to the overpriced internet places if you happen to have a lap top with you.

These are my do's for Pokhara.

1. Do test your legs hiking up to the Peace Pagoda. The views to the Phewa Tal lake are well worth it. Visit Devis Fall if it happens to be on your way up or down from the Pagoda. Unless you are in Pokhara during the monsoon, the waterfall, which strangely enough disappears to the ground, is not worth the long walk from Lakeside.

2. Stay in Lakeside North. The price of accomodation descends steeply once you move North from the central area (from 500 rs to 200 rs) and it's not that long a walk. I particularly liked the Bishnu guest house. The rooms are clean, there's always hot water and you can help yourself to the bar if the owners are not around. Just remember to sign your purchase into the book.

3. In case you really feel like shopping but your backpack is already close to bursting, do let them do your laundry in the Banana Garden Lodge. That will help you shed extra weight. I got my fleece back missing a sleave (in the pic). Apparently it ended up in a rat's nest. The manager of the guest house gave me a replacement which was neither clean, nor light. Needless to say, the ill fitting fleece also broke all records in fleece ugliness. To be fair I should add that the manager was truly sorry for my loss, apologized so that in the end he made smile and now I feel bad about even mentioning the incident. It was not their fault and I'm a terrible prick.

4. There is a piece of real Nepal you can witness visiting the Bhindya Basini temple. When I went, a load of chickens had just been sacrificed in the shrine dedicated to Kali and the ground was soaked with blood, still steaming.

5. Try the buffalo momos at Lumbini restaurant - they probably are the most delicious meet filled momos in the world. But don't go there if you are really hungry - at best it takes them an hour to get the food on your table. The momos are worth the wait though.

6. Stroll around the old town of Pokhara. It gives you an idea what Pokhara was like before the gore tex gang made it there base camp.

7. Most importantly, prepare yourself to be nestled in a tourist ghetto. If you come to Pokhara with the right attitude, it's a great place to chill for a few days before hitting the trail. Enjoy the pizza. Enjoy the apple pies. Enjoy the two for the price of one cocktails at happy hour in any of the bars. "Sex on the lake" at Chilly's was really nice!

A tricky trip from Rishikesh, India to Pokhara, Nepal

Folks, the one road in Eastern Terai is fine. Other than that, travelling from Rishikesh India to Pokhara Nepal is hellish. Here's a short version of what happened during the 40 hour killer trip.

1. I took a vikram (a shared ricksha) from High Bank, Rishikesh to Rishikesh proper. (20 rupees.)

2. I took another vikram which was supposed to take me to Haridwar. It didn't. Instead the driver dumped me off in some junction and hustled me into a third vikram. Changing vikrams I stepped in an open sewer. In the third vikram then, a cute guy sat on my poo soaked shoe. I refrained from notifying the guy about the unfortunate incident. These two vikrams cost me 100 rupees.

3. Finally in Haridwar, at 7 PM I hopped on a government night bus (215 rs) to Bambassa in which I managed to sleep for about an hour.

4. Usually one hopes to get out of a crappy bus as quickly as possible. Not this time. I arrived in Bambassa at 4 AM, which indeed is a sucky time arrive anywhere. Fortunately though I wasn't the only one heading to Nepal. The main strip (the only strip, I mean) was full of people waiting for the border to open. I sat at a small tea stall and like everyone else tried to keep warm by the fire. No other Wessies to be seen anywhere!

5. The border opens at 6 AM so I took a bicyclericksha (the driver in the pic) to the Indian side of the border and walked for about a kilometer to reach the Nepali side.

6. At the Nepali side the border officer was nowhere to be found. His sweet wife, who had just walked out of a shower (or whatever dip in the water) kindly handed me the visa application form. When his husband came back from his odd morning business I payed 40 US dollars and took another ricksha to Mahendranagar, the first town on the Nepali side of the border.

7. There's one bus from Mahendranagar to Pokhara a day. It left at 2.25 PM which meant that I had about eight hours to kill in Mahendranagar. Eight hours in Mahendranagar! There's nothing wrong with the town, for a border town it's perfectly all right. It's just that there's nothing to do there aside from watching one's toe nails grow...

8. ... And to buy a bus ticket to Pokhara (815 Nepali rupees). I got one of the last seats on the bus, so if you are headed for Pokhara from Mahendranagar get your ticket as soon as you get there. Otherwise you'll end up like me:

9. I got a seat in the drivers cabin, which I thought was fine until they piled seven men into the cabin. After three hours of driving I learned that the dudes were actually quite alright. But it was too late to cherish their company now as the smallest of the men was exchanged to a family of four. That's when it got really tight.

10. It was 16 painful hours from Mahendranagar to Pokhara, mainly in the dark. But hey. the road at least was fine.

Ten best places to visit in India and why you should go there too

After reading some enraged comments to my posts on India I think I should make it clear once and for all that I adore India.

Dear India! I never meant to hurt your feelings. I never meant to offend your religious views. I fully understand that you are the rising star of the world's economic chart. And yes, like everyone else, I love the smell of fresh cow poo in the morning.

These are my 10 favourite places to visit in India. It's hard to put them in order, but I'll do my best.

1. Varanasi. It doesn't get any more Indian anywhere in the country. The Ganges might be polluted here to her last drop but it's in Varanasi that India is best reflected on nervous her surface. The burning ghats are a fact of life to the Indians, but to a simple minded tourist like me they seem like they belong to some other Marsian universe into which I have generously been offered a glimpse.

2. Amritsar. Nowhere else in the world have I felt so welcome than in Amritsar's fabulous Golden Temple, which like I've said before, should be India's most famous building instead of the dissappointing Taj Mahal. It's not only that a visitor is offered food and shelter for free, it's being allowed to the presence of what's holy - and in return you only need to take your shoes off.

3. Srinagar. Loved the floating gardens! Loved the houseboats! Loved the Hazratbal mosque! Loved the bazaars. Loved the hospitality. Loved the ATM at the head office of The Bank of Jammu and Kashmir. Loved it, loved it, loved it!

4. Hampi. The hamlet town which did not let me down when I expected it to be amazing. Hampi might only be one road but how beautiful are the crazy rocky hills that surround it! It's closest to the moon one can get if one is afraid of space crafts, like I am.

5. Rishikesh. Blew me by surprise. The New Age capital of the world reveals her spiritual charms also to the unassuming sceptic. After a while even the most determined yoga freaks stop being intimidating and well, in the end, the other freaks are actually a good laugh. And do take a swim in the waterfalls.

6. Jaisalmer. No list of cities to visit in India would be complete without the mention of the government authorised bhang shop and Mr Bhang (bhang is a type of fine weed) of Jaisalmer. Even if bhang lassi was not your thing (it isn't mine, mom!) you can always go chat with Mr Bhang and fantasize about being given the chance to write up his memoirs. What stories he could tell! And what would his message to humanity?

7. Gokarna. A holy city where you can easily mingle with the pilgrims or the drunk ricksha drivers, which ever you prefer. It's still not on the travel map for the masses and hey, there's a beach here too.

8. Udaipur. I just liked it because it has a lake. After weeks in the deserty Rajashtan one is bound to appreciate the sight of water. The palaces are mighty cool as well.

9. Manali. Spend a day, lull away a week. Roam the hills, get smelly in the hot springs of the village of Vashist. Bullshit with the babas and please, do try that apple juice which would be good enough for any of the thousands of Indian deities to sip on their pedestal.

10. Jodhpur. The Mehangir fort of the blue city is awesome even on Indian standards which in my humble opinion are highest in the world.

5 Karmic do's for Rishikesh

1. Arrive in the oh so New Age Rishikesh weary of all the hippies and yoga nutters, conviced that this would not be your place. Laying your eyes on the sacred Ganges have a total change of heart. Not knowing exactly why, you now want to join their ranks. Maybe they add something in Kinley here (Kinley is Coca-Cola's Indian mineral water brand).

2. Begin the search for yoga classes for beginners. Allow the search be disrupted by Mitch, a corporate risk analyst on his way to get bananas for the holy cows. Learn that an astrologer has just told Mitch to feed hungry cows since his Mercury is too low and he'll be damned if he doesn't. Inquire about his astrological sign. Leo! Same as yours. Inquire about his birthday. Same as yours! Which means Mercury is fucked up in your chart as well.

3. Join Mitch on this desperate mission to save your lives. Invest 10 rupees in green bananas and start looking for hungry cows.

4. Marvel at Mitch's cunning when he insightfully utters: "It's easier to feed cows you haven't met before", when a nutter of a cow starts following you after being fed two bananas. Indeed, India is a country of spirituality and wisdom, some of which you are bound to embellish while travelling here.

5. Get a blessing from a man dressed up as Hanuman for the Diwali festival in order to make sure, your mission has been properly completed. With these things you can never be too sure!

10 do's for McLeod Ganj, Dharamsala

1. Arrive in McLeod Ganj two hours early from Manali at 4 AM when everything is closed. Fight with touts who want to take you to the shabbiest guesthouses down some freaking long steps. Say no to the overpriced lousy rooms and walk the even longer seeming steps back up and camp out on the street with stray dogs. Good fun if you have the right company! Shalom! Something in Danish!

2. After sunrise and two cups of chai start the hunt for a guesthouse. If you are coming from places like Manali and Leh the range of guesthouses in Dharamsala is depressing. Unappealing rooms with bathrooms in town proper go for 350 rs. After saying no to about ten rooms in town walk back to the cursed steps and get a room which isn't appealing but at least it's cheap, 150 rs, attached bathroom and balcony.

3. Check out the photo exhibit on the Chinese occupation of Tibet at Gu Chu Sum organisation's office. It's vile. Gu Chu Sum is an organisation for political prisoners of Tibet, run by former prisoners themselves. Photos of Tibetans, monks, students and familymen shot in the protests only a few years ago are on display. Equally gruelling are the drawings portraying Chinese methods of torture. The Tibet museum at the Dalai Lama complex is worth your while as well.

4. Let a Tibetan nun drag you into a conversation class on the roof of Gu Chu Sum. Teach her the difference between "we beat Chinese police" and "Chinese police beat us." Find yourself in one of the most absurd situations ever in your life by asking the former political prisoner to repeat after you "The Chinese... police... beat... us... in... prison."

5. Hungry? It's time for a cooking class. Sangyen at Jogiwara road teaches how to make momos every Wednesday at 11 AM and at 5 PM. 200 rupees only. Good fun. And he'll talk politics too.

6. If you've got the money and are feeling silly, get your birth horoscope done in the Tibetan Medical and Astro Institute of His Higness the Dalai Lama. It costs 2500 rupees. However as there are a lot of horoscope nutters around it takes three to five months to get you birth chart done. They'll send it to your home address so when you go, make sure you have a home address.

7. Seeing the Dalai Lama is a tick in the box manouvre. You will be listening his teachings on a cracking radio and even if the radio works, Dalai Lama will teach about things which are of interest only to people who know their Buddhism. If you think for a second you'll find the meaning of life listening to the man you are wrong.

8. Visiting Dharamsala is actually quite a pleasent way to spend half a day. It's a quiet Indian town which is a nice change from the touristy scene in McLeod Ganj. And a quiet Indian town is quite a novelty at its own right.

9. Walk up the hill to Bhagsu or Dharamkhot. Nothing much up there, but the views are nice,

10. Food: Yak restaurant has the best thukpa (Tibetan noodle soup). Snow lion has the most endearing service (thet screwed up my order three times out of six) and a great cheese and tomato omelette for breakfast. Carpe Diem is where the backpackers hang out, veg sandwiches highly recommendable. Kharna Nirvana has a nice vibe, entertainment on most nights (check out the jamming sessions on Wednesdays) and a strange menu which offers Mexican foor and then all kinds of stuff served in pita bread. Buy your momos on the streat stalls.

A cheater's guide to surviving a ten day Vipassana course

If you are seriously thinking of doing a ten day Vipassana meditation course you might not want to read this.

In a Vipassana course you commit yourself to not communicating in any way for ten days.

In exchange of all the nice things in life you get to meditate for 10 hours a day, to shower and to eat two light veg meals a day and have tea in the evening. And that's it. You can't read nor write. If you're really lucky, in the end you'll reach enlightenment. You probably won't, but at least you've taken the first steps on the noble Buddhist path leading to eternal happiness and love for all beings. Which is turn is pretty cool.

Now, why should you not read this? Because this guide will teach you the easier way out of a Vipassana course which means that your chances of becoming enligtened will diminish. And as enlightenment is the whole point of the course, why would you bother committing yourself to the harsh conditions if you are going to cheat?

Completing the course is unbelievably hard. You'll get paranoid. You'll get pissed off when your skin doesn't tickle the right way. You'll be hungry. You might not be able to sleep. All the shit you've accumulated in your life can come back to haunt you. You will suspect that everyone else in the course hates you as they keep on giving you these weird looks without saying a word. You might get delirious. Your knees and your back will do their best to make you cry out of pain, that's granted. Having to be quiet for ten days is one of the easiest things involving the course. It's meditating for ten hours a day which makes it a real killer.

So why would you read this? Because these instructions could help you from quitting the course and prevent you from wasting your time on a course which will get you nowhere if you can only cope with it for the first two days. And actually quite a few of these tips are genuine and don't involve any cheating.

I did the course in Dhamma Shikara in Dharamsala. Some of the instructions might be spesific to that place.

1. Come alone to the course. If you come with a friend you are going to have to pretend that you don't know one another for ten days. That can be truly trying when you can see that your friend looks miserable.

2. If you do come with a friend make it clear that you are not going to be talking to one another even if you feel like quitting the course. A friend wanting to quit the course will take your spirit down. So do yourselves a favour and agree in advance what will you do if the other one decides to leave: where is he or she going to stay while you're still at the course and where will you meet up after. It will save you from one headache. Trust me, you'll have enough aches at the course.

3. Great cheating tip! From day four on, you will have three daily strong determination classes in which you are not allowed to change your meditation posititon or open eyes. Now, this can be really hard as you are hurting like hell but have no idea when it's gonna end. Here's a solution: By this point you will be practicing doing rounds in which you concentrate on each part of your body one at a time. Now, if you time yourself to see how long one round is going to take, then you can count how many rounds you have left to do. You can time yourself in any of the other classes.

4. Cheating tip! Food can be scarse but you are not allowed to bring any food with you. However, they won't check your bags. Two packs of cookies might be a life saver when you are starving and feeling like shit.

5. Cheating tip! At tea time at five o'clock you will get a cup of tea, some bizarre parrot food and a fruit. If you can save the fruit till the next morning the first meditation session which starts at 4.30 in the morning will be less unpleasant as you won't have to go through it with an empty stomach like you're apparently supposed to. Alternatively, if

you have the guts, you might try taking two pieces of fruit and then saving the other one. This is a forbidden practice though and it's not only the management who'll look like they are dissappointed with you - your course comrades will notice it too. And they certainly will give you mean looks for that. I wanted to whack the people I caught nicking fruits. (That's that for compassion for all beings.)

6. Cheating tip! You are allowed to leave the meditation hall during the classes except the three daily group sessions. Many people seemed to be leaving the class a few minutes early which helps to be in front line for food. It takes a good while for people to fill their plates with the little dishes so this is actually a great advantage since all the time you get to spend outside the meditation hall is precious. But make sure that you never are the first in line as then other people will start noticing. Or you believe they do which adds to all your other paranoias. Which leads to the next tip.

7. You are bound to get paranoid as you can't say a thing. An example: you step on someone's toes and can't apologize. You'll think the person who has had his or her toes squashed hates you. They probably don't. They've done something similar themselves.

8. Your roommate doesn't hate you either even if she or he acts strange around you. People act strangely at this course. Don't be bothered by it.

9. In order to fight exhaustion and lack of sleep try sleeping whenever you can. After breakfast you'll have 45 minutes to sleep. At lunch you'll have an hour and 15 minutes. The one hour tea break is best used for showering as it is too short for a nap.

10. Cheating tip! In case #9 is not enough, the first meditation class after lunch at 1 o'clock is the easiest to skip since there will be no new instructions in this class. But be sure to make it back to the 2.30 group session.

11. Cheating tip! They'll only tell you on the 7th day that on the 10th day you will get talk again. Knowing that the silence ends a day early can work miracles on you when you are counting the days left. You will count days. Even the guru is empathetic with this.

12. The management people too know that you are going through a tough time. They've all completed their courses before, so don't hesitate to ask for help if you need something. And if you feel really shit, they will try to cheer you up somehow. They believe that the course is good for you and as they are nice Vipassana meditators they want you to get through it. Bare in mind that the management people are all there on a voluntary basis so that you could take the course.

13 tips to a perfect day in Manali for 4 euros - all inclusive!

1. Get up early in your Old Manali guesthouse (Laxmi is nice and cheap). Have breakfast at Shiva Garden cafe.

2. Walk up the hill to the Manu Rishi temple. It's not great but I it liked the little statues there for their text book lack of originality. Krishna playes a flute. Kali is pissed off. Durga sits on a lion. Temple architecture in its bareness and squareness is quite original though.

3. Follow the path past the temple until you reached a big rock onto which steps have been carved. Half way up take a right.

4. Enter the pine tree forest and hike up the hill. It's about 2 kilometers to the picture perfect village of Gushal where the villagers go about their business. You'll see the village from the top of the hill so you'll know where to go. And on your right you'll see the river.

5. Make your through the village and head to the river. There are small bridges that will take you over the several streams.

6. You've reached the village of Bhang on the Rohtang pass highway. (It's a far cry from a highway if I may add.) Take a right.

7. Walk on the road until you reach Rock Garden Cafe. (A far cry from a cafe, but there's a sign.) On the other side of the road you'll see a path which leads to a flight of steps. Climb

them.

8. You've reached the village of Vaishist where you can have lunch. Eat what you wish but do try the local apple juice. It's best when served truly chilled.

9. After lunch find your way to the Vaishist temple, known for its hot springs. It's bath time! English girls bring their bikinis. Indians and us Finns don't. A word of warning: the water is hot and reeks of sulphur. But I loved bathing there. I had fun chatting with an Indian woman who wanted me to start spitting on my toes in order to soften the hard bits caused by years of wearing to small shoes.

10. After the bath visit the babas. They have a rest rouse in the small temple's premises. If you are lucky, you might meet Baba Vias, a blogging baba in the the business of selling herbs. He has a splenid way of using the word "fuck". What a character! If you are in India in the winter, you can find him in Gokarna. The summers he spends in Himachal Pradesh.

11. Bid farewell to the babas and walk across the town until you find a sign pointing at the waterfall. It takes about 30 minutes to get there from Vaishist. If you are worried that you reek of sulphur you can take a plunge in the little natural pool. This time the water is cold. Very cold.

12. Walk back to Vaishist and then on to New Manali. If you've got the time check out the monastery. If you don't, then have dinner at one of the many restaurants in New Manali. They offer a refreshing change from the scene in the Wessie oriented Old Manali. In New Manali the restaurants cater mainly for Indian tourists so you can find any type of Indian food there. I had a Punjabi thali in Aasham Family Restaurant.

13. Tired? Take a ricksha back to Old Manali.

Costs

75 rs breakfast at Shiva Garden Cafe

65 rs samosa lunch, a bottle of apple juice and water

1 rupee fee for leaving your shoes at the cloak room at the Vaishit temple

75 rs for Punjabi thali in Aasham

40 rs ricksha back to Old Manali

In total

256 rupees, which is about 4 euros.

Night at Laxmi guesthouse 200 rs, hot water included. Not bad at all.

How to make the best momo soup in the world - recipe!

I sneaked in to the kitchen of Tenzin Dickey Tibetan in Leh to see how they make their potato and cheese momo soup for which they ought to be world famous and millionaires. And this is how it's how it's done. Teenage son chops veggies. Mom makes momos of course and then dad cooks them.

Momos

Mix water and wheat flour to make a dry dough. Use one cup of water for 250 grsms of wheat flour.

Flatten it very thin. Use a glass to cut little round thingies.

Fill the rounds with mashed boiled potato and Indian cheese.

Mom uses her nails to foil them into nice neat momos.

Broth

Chop veggies small. Tomato, spinach, cabbage, carrot.

Spice it up with fresh garlic, soy souce and fresh ginger.

Add a reasonable amount of water.

Bring to boil. Add the momos and boil for five minutes.

If the soup needs more kick you can add some chili souce.

Sent the Koh-i-Noor back to Punjab!

As my infatuation with the turban wearing men keeps growing, I bought a book on Sikhism called the Sikhs by Khushwant Singh, a famous Sikh scholar.

The following is a brief summary on the most curious passage involving Koh-i-Noor and the cruelty of the English imperialism.

After two Anglo-Sikh wars the young maharaja Dalip Singh of Punjab surrended his dominions to the English and the kingdom of Sikhs ceased to be in 1849.

The English took the maharaja under their wing, and brainwashed him into Christianity. As if that wasn't enough they sent him to England and gave him an estate in Suffolk. In 1850 the Delhi Gazette reported an "announcement of a momentous event": The ex-sovereign of the Punjab has eaten a beef steak! "The king of Sikhs... has sold his claim to the allegiance of his people by a juicy mouthful".

The same year Lord Dalhousie, the man in charge of the English Punjabi operations visited the Golden Temple in Amritsar. The temple was beautifully lit up to honour of the conqueror. The English Lord did not care much for the Sikh hospitality however and chose to walk through the sacred precinncts with his shoes on.

The following year the English auctionedall the possessions of the Sikh kingdom except the Koh-i-Noor. The diamond was sent to England to become the most revered piece of the crown jewels.

However, the Sikhs were not at all that unhappy with the English rule. The last few Punjabi maharajas had been weak and the kingdom on the brink of collapsing. The English brought a period of peace and economic prosperity to Punjab. Not only that, the English demanded that all their new Sikh army recruits had to have a long, unshorn hair! According to Khushwant Singh, this demand was of enormous importance to preserving the Sikh identity as distinct from the Hindu which by the time was taking over the Punjabi pshyche. Had it not been for the English, Sikhism probably would have melted back into Hinduism.

History does have its odd twists. But I still think that the Koh-i-Noor belongs to Punjab. If you happen to know a petition I could sign, please let me know.

Another unforgettable journey in Kashmir

In the summer of 2008, serious communal violence resulting in dozens of fatalities, followed by massive strikes, curfews and business shut downs , left Kashmir mostly paralyzed. With the buses out service, you, in a momentary lapse of reason, decide to hitchhike your way through the troubled valley.

After 20 minutes of waiting along the Srinagar-Jammu highway, a jam-packed rustic station wagon that sort of resembles a jeep pulls over to pick you up. You cram yourself in the cargo area next to an elderly man with a taqiyah and opposite his two roughly 18-year old nephews who start up a light-hearted discussion with you. The nature of the conversation turns slightly more serious when the car passes an Indian military roadblock. “We don’t like Indians” exclaims one of the boys, “they’re ruining Kashmir”, to which everybody nods in agreement. The other boy points outside to a mural of the J&K National Panthers Party logo accompanied by the text 'Free Kashmir'.

Repudiating of Indian authorities goes on for several minutes (with western democracies getting their share of criticism) and as you finally try fit a word in, one of the boys interrupts you: “My father, he dead now…he make a sacrifice”. Then it hits you: these guys are fucking separatist militant nut jobs. Why on earth did you get in this car? Before you can properly assess the situation, the driver asks you in a poignant tone: “What religion are you?”.

Aw, shit! Now what? Saying that you don’t believe in god probably wouldn't go down too well with these guys, and since you couldn’t really pass yourself off as anything else, you decide to go with good ol’ Jesus. “I’m…uhhh…Christian?”. Total silence. The intimidating stares of your fellow passengers causes sweat to run down your brow as the guidebook stories of decapitated tourist spring to your mind. This is it, you’re fucked now, young man.

After the longest 15 seconds of your life the old man next you breaks the silence: “You know, Christianity is not that much different from Islam”. Pheeew, you know that feeling you get when you take a huge dump? Oh Jesus, Allah, Buddha, I love you all!

For the next hour or so the old man recites stories from days past when he was actively involved in the Kashmir conflict, and proudly informs you that the young generation is shaping up nicely. Inspired by the magnate’s words, the two boys divulge that after the Ramadan they were heading back to Srinagar to prove their worth.

The car finally reaches the town of Anantnag, and, although having had an interesting journey, you’re glad it’s over. As you pick up your rucksack and head for the door the old man grabs your shoulder. “By the way”, he says and presents you with his business card, “if you ever need a dry cleaner”.

Contributed by Toxic Waste Man a.k.a Aleksi

Read about my unforgettable Kashmiri journey here, how to find the perfect houseboat here and tips to Srinagar here.

The alternative guide to Kashmir

1.Visit Pahalgam.

Set on the banks of the Lidder river and sandwiched between snow capped mountains, the small town of Pahalgam is a must-see for all those visitng Kashmir. This used to be hot spot for domestic tourists, but after the advent of the armed insurgency in Kashmir most have relocated to the less spectacular Kullu and Parvati valleys. In addition to being scenically superior to the mountain towns of Himachal Pradesh, in Pahalgam stoned New Age hippies who consider wind chimes a musical instrument are conspicuous in their absence, so you don't have to endure discussions on the celestial properties of a rock. However, in summertime hordes of Hindu pilgrims show up here for the start of the pilgrimage to the holy Amarnath caves.

There's not much to do expect to walk around and be overwhelmed by the dramatic scenery of the fertile valley. There a some great one day hikes up to magnificent viewpoints and those who are staying longer should do treks to nearby mountain lakes and glaciers. Whatever you do, don't try climbing the mountains without a guide. I did, and what happened? I lost my passport. Yeah, I took my passport up a mountain, so what? I know it was fucking retarded, but what can you do?

Also be sure to visit the apple orchards on the northeastern edge of town where they produce the apples on the planet, no contest. The owners let you eat as many as you want and refuse to accept any payment, although they'll happily bum your cigarettes.

2. Having established myself as a respected food critic on this blog, I feel it is my duty to give you some insight on Kashmir’s culinary specialties.

The best to experience the local cuisine is to accept one the numerous invitations you'll receive to join a local family for dinner. Dining with Kashmiri family is a fascinating experience that gives unique perspicacity to the local lifestyle and the greatest honor is to receive an invitation to celebrate the Eid ul-Fitr (the end of the Ramadan), when the whole kinfolk gathers for a full-day feast. The main entry is the wazwan, a Kashmiri buffet so delicious it rivals the best South Indian dishes. During Eid food is consumed the duration of the whole day, and as my hosts joked:"Some people, after the Ramadan, eat too much food and then they die!". Yes, that is hilarious.

3. If your houseboat's bathroom has a window, you can entertain yourself by peeking out on the lake after flushing your toilet and see your fresh turd plunge in the lake. It's as funny as it sounds, but this toilet humour has a sinister undertone. The beautifully serene Dal lake is decaying from all sewage that is flushed into it causing overgrowth of weeds a shrinking water levels. So if you're visiting Kashmir and are enticed by the perfect mirror images of mountains displayed on the lake, bear in mind that it's essentially a pool of liquid shit.

4. To get an alternative perspective on Srinagar, take a walk around town during night. Apart from a few military patrols the the streets are completely deserted. They soldiers will tell you to go back to sleep, but if persist long enough, they'll happily give you a short walking tour through the haunting moonlit city, sharing their stories of the armed conflict that has plagued the valley for two decades . It's an unforgettable experience.

5. The vale of Kashmir boasts holy sites for Hindus (Amarnath Caves), Muslims (Hazbara Shrine which hosts a hair of the prophet Mohammad) and even Christians. What holy Christian site could Kashmir possible have? Oh nothing, excpet the tomb of Jesus Christ! That's right, the Rozanbul mausoleum in Srinagar's old town claims to be the final resting place of the son of god, Jesus of Nazareth himself. Evidence for this are the cemented footprints which contain holes in each foot indicating crucifixion. This hardly constitutes as absolute proof, so allow me to elaborate: According to the new testament, after his crucifixion Jesus rose from the dead and ascended to heaven. As all Kashmiris well know, Kashmir Is heaven, thus we can conclude that after his resurrection Christ hiked all the way to Srinagar.

There, using my infallible logic I have corroborated that Jesus rests in Srinagar, thereby giving all Christians the opportunity to get closer to their Lord and savior than ever before. You're welcome...

Contributed by Toxic Waste Man, a.k.a Aleksi.

You may read the original Srinagar post here and a guide to finding the perfect houseboat here.

A portait photo special from Leh

There's one thing that will strike you in the Ladakhi town of Leh. That's the looks of the people.

As Leh apparently is the closest you can get to Tibet in India, people look more Tibetan or Chinese than Indian. In fact, they look nothing like the Indians.

See for yourself.

And hey, they wear those sunglasses for a reason. The sunlight here is vile. And pilot glasses are cool!