5 sexy do's for Bhutan

1. First you need to learn about Drukpa Kuenlay, also known as the Divine Madman, Bhutan's favorite Lama. Drukpa Kuenlay came to Bhutan from Tibet in the 15th century armed with a bow and arrow, which he magically used to find suitable virgins to have sex with. Whomever the arrow pointed at, Drukpa Kuenlay would hump.

2.Upon visiting the temple of Drukpa Kuenlay in Punakha get a blessing from the temple's Lama, who is considered to be a re-incarnation of the Divine Madman. The Lama will give you some holy water to sip and rub into your eyes and hair. Then he will tap you head with Divine Madman's origininal bow and two wooden dildos! I promise that it will be a deeply spiritual experience.

3. If you ever wanted children then this is the best place in the world to pray for having one, so pray! The Bhutanese believe that spending a night in the temple will guarantee a child, and they'll be more than happy to tell you how many Western women have found help in this temple after having gone through fruitless fertility treatments for years. If you don't have the time to mull around the temple for long, just get the blessing from the Lama. Even that will help.

4. Should you want to know that your prayers have been answered you need to ask the Lama to let you play dice. Roll the three in pursuit of the sum total of nine, the most auspicious number in the temple. You may guess which number I got...

5. After visiting the temple join the Bhutanese in their belief that painting a huge phallos symbol next to the entrance to your house is not only funny but the best way to keep your home a happy place. How indeed could you be miserable if everytime you went home you were greated by an ejaculating phallos which looks like it's grinning? Screw Feng Shui - phallos points the way to perfect decoration.

Arriving in Bhutan: 8 do's

1. When flying to Paro in Bhutan, try to get a seat on the left side of the plane. That way you will have the chance to see Mount Everest and some other highest mountains in the world from the plane. It helps if you have a clear mental image of Everest - otherwise it can be hard to discern and plane flies past it really quick!

2. Upon landing you will arrive at a very quiet airport. Paro, the only airport in the kingdom of Bhutan receives 2-3 flight a day, all operated by Druk Air, which has a neetly sized fleet of two

plains, flight attendants recruited from the new and popular Miss Bhutan competition and six pilots.

3. Try how it feels like to be Japanese and take lots of photos at the airport. If you had a good seat on the plane, those photos taken from the window should be followed by appropriate shots of the airport. Of course!

4. Be greeted by your personal driver and guide after proceeding through painfully slow passport control and meticulous customs. Congrats! You've reached the ultimate in travel - being escorted around from castles to buffet dinners like grandma on a package tour, only that the others are missing and the guide will respond to any of your whims with a "yes of course we can do it" -smile.

5. If you feel a little stupid about being so pampered, keep in mind, that 60 percent of the 200 dollars you are paying per day to be here goes to the wellbeing of the Bhutanse. Thanks to the tourists who cough up the money to come here, the government can fund free education and health care for its people, which I think, is quite nice.

6. After checking into a very plush hotel in backpacker standards (Telly! Clean white sheets! Towels! Dressing table! Soft mattress! Heaven!) stroll around Thimpu before buffet dinner in the hotel.

7. Now, wouldn't it be nice to see some nightlife in the capital city? Head out to one of the dance clubs where women dance in thick silk jackets and skirts which could stand if they had feet. The dancing does not involve much more then moving weight from one leg to another but it's entertaining enough for a while. And the beer is really cheap, like 80 Indian rupees a bottle, which is less than half what you'd pay in any bar in India.

8. Shun the dance club to go play some Carme with monks in one of the many small bar joints in Thimpu. I can assure you that there is very little Zen in the way these monks whack their Carme board ! They will kick your ass and laugh!