Bathing with elephants? No thanks

It's cruel. It's abuse. It's wrong. Elephant bathing is one of those things which in a guide book seem like the funniest thing you could ever do, but the reality of it is quite different.

I watched a few tourists "help an elephant bathe" in the Chitwan National Park in Nepal.

The procedure is simple. The dumbo driver tells the elephant to lie down in the shallow river. The tourists climb on and the driver tells the elephant to get up.

Then the biggest mammal in the world gushes water from his trunk to the tourist's face. Ha-ha.

Elelphant is told to go down again and splash, into the river the tourist dives.

Which would be very nice and funny if the elephant wasn't whacked and kicked to perform this tourist ritual.

"Helping an elephant bathe" a term used in the LP was one of the things I really wanted to do in Nepal. I get all silly around these massive animals. Their presence is so commanding, yet they seem so emphatetic as if their yielding to man's wishes was only because they wanted to help out. Elephants are my favourite animals.

A visit to the Elephant Breeding Center will clear one's head of such childish thougts. The croggy little informantion centers goes into surprising detail explaining how elephants are trained for taking tourists to tour the national park.

They start training the elephants when they are 2-4 years old. The young elephant is separated from his mother, and given very little food a water to make it weak. They chain its legs and then drag it around, using a particular little axe to force it forward. Worst of all they treat the elephant's sensitive skin (yes, the elephant's sensitive skin) with fire so that it gets hardened enough for a saddle. After a month's torture the massive animal has succumbed.

Not fun at all.

I've heard that there have been initiatives to find softer ways to train elephants. I really hope that they succeed.

PS.

The info center also tells the tale of wild male elephants who go to nearby villages in search of home brewed alcohol and get drunk. That part of the center I really liked. And the amazingly cute baby elephants who thump around freely in the center. If only watching them did not make one feel so guilty.

Want to see rhinos in Chitwan? Go find a waiter called Santos

If it wasn't for Santos I don't think I would have seen any rhinos in Chitwan National Park.

These days spotting one is a matter of luck - due to lack of surveillance, poachers have been enjoying a field day in Chitwan.

I booked two trips to the national park, both on the same early November day as that way I could escape paying the park fee of 500 rupees twice.

At 6.30 I embarked on a canoe which took me to the park. The 50 minute ride was nice. I saw a silly looking small gharial crocodiles and some XL-sized birds I don't know the name of.

We got dropped off at a sandy beach. Then it was only me and my guide, a plomp little fellow, whom you wouldn't think would survive in the jungle a minute. He was the man I actually booked the jungle safari with the previous night. I thought he was just running the travel aganecy - he certainly had all the characteristics of a travel agent. The fellow was jokey and a tinsy bit slimy, the type you wouldn't want to trust your life with in the jungle but almost decent for a travel agent. Seeing him in his greens, ready to accompany me to the jungle was quite shock.

In to the jungle we went.

"Sometimes rhinos come here to graze", he told me when we were walking through some grass that towered high above our heads, his in particular.

"But not today", I filled in.

"Not today."

We kept repeating this conversation a numerous time during out jungle walk.

There were a few monkies and a lonely looking dear but other than that, no animals were to be seen in Chitwan, Nepal's prime natural park.

I came back from the jungle walk utterly dissappointed, which was stupid as I did know that sightings can be rare in Chitwan. But one always hopes, that this walk, the walk I'm doing, is a successful one. Hope. The wrong attitude for any safari activity.

Irritated, I went to look for lunch. I ended up in Tiffins by the river, a good way from the crowds. Tiffins was empty this time of the day - I was later to learn that Tiffins is always empty, which is a shame, cause the family who runs the place is too nice for the over-touristy Sauraha which is where you live when you are visiting Chitwan.

I told Santos, the family's eldest son, and a handsome at that as well, about my unlucky safari.

He's response blew me by surpise. He was so sincerely sorry for me, the fat white tourist I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

This young man, who's family had moved to Sauraha from their native Gorkha in pursuit of a better life, but who were barely making it there, looked at me which such a sorrow in his eyes that he would have made pre-divorce pricess Diana look like Tinkerbell on amphetamine.

When I left to hop on an elephant safari, he said:

"I really wish you'll see a rhino", like seeing a rhino really that important.

I probably should mention that I've seen quite a few rhinos in South Africa's famed Kruger park. The greedy tourist in me just wanted to see a rhino again. I had paid for it, hadn't I?

So off I went to get on an elephant. I got a nasty back seat on the dumbo and bickered about that too, of course.

Then five minutes in to the jungle we spotted two rhinos. There they were, right at the entrance grazing away like rhinos do, unbothered about what's going on around them. The beasts can't really see much, but they are big enough not to have any natural enemies so they don't give a rats ass about honky tourists zooming their cameras at them.

After the 1,5 hour long safari I went running to Tiffin.

" I saw a rhino! I saw two! And it's all because of you hoped for me to see one."

Santos smiled.

I ordered a Gorkha beer and their Kaju set, which is Nepalese flattened rice, dal, fried potatoes, garlicky buffalo and pickle and watched the sun set over the jungle.

Tansen - a Nepali town without the tourists

Tansen is the type of city that forces a smile on your face even if your guest house faces the noisy bus station and suffers from seriously bad plumbing.

The bad news first. Accomodation in the lovely mediaval city of Tansen does not quite measure the charm of its location. I searched and searched and what I found was bug infested, dirty rooms. I walked out of the Lonely Planet recommended "cheerful cheapie" hotel Bajra in a minute and I'm glad that I did - a couple I met who stayed there were madly itchy from bug bites. The other guest houses mentioned in the book were full, I guess with local tourists as Wessies

are an endeeringly rare site in Tansen.

I ended up in hotel Simrik in a room that smelled like shit but at least it didn't smell as bad as the toilet on the other side of the corridor. The odours of all the piss corners of all the Indian bus stations combined together are Chanel 5 compared to that toilet. Now, did I make myself clear?

On to the good news.

1.Tansen sits on a beautiful hill, topped by a little pine forest and a small Buddha statue.

2. Tansen's center cannot be entered by motorized vehicles as the roads are too steep for them. You'll get to wander around town unbothered by honking horns.

3. And there's so much wandering around to do! The little alleys are filled with vegetable and tailor's shops, chow mein restaurants and tea houses that sell delicious fresh Nepali bread, which actually isn't like bread at all but more like a first cousin of doughnut.

4. No kid will ask you for sweets or money. Most often they won't even hello you. They say "namaste" which is what they should say as you are in Nepal after all.

5. This is the kind of old fashioned place you normally only get to see in the black and white American movies before rock'n'roll came to town. The scenic spots harbour not tourists but shy young couples trying hard not to be seen. The guys will readily volunteer you information on where to go next as they are most eager to get rid of intruders to their romantic moment. How sweet they are!

6. The Nanglo West restaurant, the only upscale one in town, serves amazing Nepali food sets for a fraction of the price you would pay in Pokhara or Kathmandu in a similar place. Beware the garlic!

7. This, I believe, is Nepal.

10 cheapskate tips for the Poon Hill trek in Nepal

The Poon Hill trek is one of the easiest and most famous shorter treks you can do in Nepal. It takes a minimum of four days but can be easily extended to six. The views to the Annapurnas will melt your heart at least if you are new to the Nepali Himalayas.

If you are trying to travel cheap bare in mind that the mountains add an extra charge to everything. Budget 10 euros a day and you'll be quite comfy.

1. You really don't need a guide. The trails are marked well enough and like it or, there's always someone you can ask for directions. The last thing you want to spend your precious pennies on is a cheap guide (500 rs, 5 euros a day), who doesn't speak English that well. There are guides, who are amazingly fluent even in Japanese, should you feel like practicing konnichiwa-ing, but they come with a dear price tag (at least 18 euros a day).

2. You really don't need a porter for the Poon Hill trek (approximately 8 euros a day). Just pack light. I did my layndry every night and only carried a t-shirt, pair of socks and underwear, a light jacket and light pants. In addition I brought along a travel towel, a camera, a torch, necessary medication and four musli bars and a bag of peanuts for emergencies. I was fine although a book would have been nice.

3. You don't even need to invest in a proper map (300 rs). For the Poon Hill trek the kiddy map you get with your hiking permit (2000 rupees) is enough. I'm actually quite thankful I didn't have a map which would have warned me that it's 3820 wide steps up from Tikhedunga to Ulleri. With that knowledge I probably would have collapsed half way through.

4. One thing you must take along are water purification tablets or drops. The price of bottled water in the hills is obscene (250 rupees a litre) which is fair enough as empty water bottles are a serious menace to the environment. You should be made to pay if you are going to pollute!

5. Here's how the accomodation system works: You pay a hundred rupees per person for a bed, irrespective of whether you are one person staying in a double room or three persons staying in a triple. But to get the cheap price you must commit yourself to eating both dinner and breakfast at your guesthouse. If you'd rather eat someplace else the price of a double can go up to 500 rupees...

6. ...Which means that it really isn't worth while trying to cook for yourself. In addition to having to pay loads more for the room, the guesthouses charge 400 rupees for the use of their kitchen facilities.

7. The cheapskates are better of contenting themselves to a diet of noodle soup and momos for the duration of the trek. They are the cheapest items on the menus all of which have the same items on them. A veg noodle soup costs a hundred rupees and plate of momos about 160 rupees depending on the filling. A pizza goes for 300 rs.

8. Get your online stuff sorted before you get moving. You can get on the internet in Ghorepani, but it costs 300 rupees per hour which I do think is a fairer price than the 100 rs you have to pay in Pokhara. You are in the mountains after all. (In comparison, in the non-touristy towns of Mahendranagr and Tansen the price of an online hour is 30-40 rupees.)

9. If you really must have a cinnamon roll (100 rs) or any other "German bakery" item, buy it in early the morning when you can bargain the price down because the roll was baked yesterday. It's still pretty good.

10. Here's the oddest thing: it's usually cheaper to buy separate cups of tea then share a small or a big pot of tea. A small pot goes for 120 rupees whereas a cup costs 35. The small pot barely has three cups in it. It makes absolutely no sense but that's how it is.

Most importantly: every time you feel like bickering about the price remember that in most cases it has been carried up to the village so that you could have a comfortable stay.

Pokhara, Nepal: At least the rat should be happy

Pokhara, or Pokhara base camp, like the gore tex gang likes to call it, was a similar exprerience to the Indian town of Leh. I had massive expectations which were not met. I was hoping to see a Nepali town but instead I ended up in a tourist ghetto, albeit a friendly one.

Yet the only reason for the masses of tourists to go there is to leave it to go trekking.

For that it's perfect. There are a zillion cheapish banana pancake restaurants, traveller's agents and a few expensive restaurants which offer free wi-fi, which is a better option to the overpriced internet places if you happen to have a lap top with you.

These are my do's for Pokhara.

1. Do test your legs hiking up to the Peace Pagoda. The views to the Phewa Tal lake are well worth it. Visit Devis Fall if it happens to be on your way up or down from the Pagoda. Unless you are in Pokhara during the monsoon, the waterfall, which strangely enough disappears to the ground, is not worth the long walk from Lakeside.

2. Stay in Lakeside North. The price of accomodation descends steeply once you move North from the central area (from 500 rs to 200 rs) and it's not that long a walk. I particularly liked the Bishnu guest house. The rooms are clean, there's always hot water and you can help yourself to the bar if the owners are not around. Just remember to sign your purchase into the book.

3. In case you really feel like shopping but your backpack is already close to bursting, do let them do your laundry in the Banana Garden Lodge. That will help you shed extra weight. I got my fleece back missing a sleave (in the pic). Apparently it ended up in a rat's nest. The manager of the guest house gave me a replacement which was neither clean, nor light. Needless to say, the ill fitting fleece also broke all records in fleece ugliness. To be fair I should add that the manager was truly sorry for my loss, apologized so that in the end he made smile and now I feel bad about even mentioning the incident. It was not their fault and I'm a terrible prick.

4. There is a piece of real Nepal you can witness visiting the Bhindya Basini temple. When I went, a load of chickens had just been sacrificed in the shrine dedicated to Kali and the ground was soaked with blood, still steaming.

5. Try the buffalo momos at Lumbini restaurant - they probably are the most delicious meet filled momos in the world. But don't go there if you are really hungry - at best it takes them an hour to get the food on your table. The momos are worth the wait though.

6. Stroll around the old town of Pokhara. It gives you an idea what Pokhara was like before the gore tex gang made it there base camp.

7. Most importantly, prepare yourself to be nestled in a tourist ghetto. If you come to Pokhara with the right attitude, it's a great place to chill for a few days before hitting the trail. Enjoy the pizza. Enjoy the apple pies. Enjoy the two for the price of one cocktails at happy hour in any of the bars. "Sex on the lake" at Chilly's was really nice!

A tricky trip from Rishikesh, India to Pokhara, Nepal

Folks, the one road in Eastern Terai is fine. Other than that, travelling from Rishikesh India to Pokhara Nepal is hellish. Here's a short version of what happened during the 40 hour killer trip.

1. I took a vikram (a shared ricksha) from High Bank, Rishikesh to Rishikesh proper. (20 rupees.)

2. I took another vikram which was supposed to take me to Haridwar. It didn't. Instead the driver dumped me off in some junction and hustled me into a third vikram. Changing vikrams I stepped in an open sewer. In the third vikram then, a cute guy sat on my poo soaked shoe. I refrained from notifying the guy about the unfortunate incident. These two vikrams cost me 100 rupees.

3. Finally in Haridwar, at 7 PM I hopped on a government night bus (215 rs) to Bambassa in which I managed to sleep for about an hour.

4. Usually one hopes to get out of a crappy bus as quickly as possible. Not this time. I arrived in Bambassa at 4 AM, which indeed is a sucky time arrive anywhere. Fortunately though I wasn't the only one heading to Nepal. The main strip (the only strip, I mean) was full of people waiting for the border to open. I sat at a small tea stall and like everyone else tried to keep warm by the fire. No other Wessies to be seen anywhere!

5. The border opens at 6 AM so I took a bicyclericksha (the driver in the pic) to the Indian side of the border and walked for about a kilometer to reach the Nepali side.

6. At the Nepali side the border officer was nowhere to be found. His sweet wife, who had just walked out of a shower (or whatever dip in the water) kindly handed me the visa application form. When his husband came back from his odd morning business I payed 40 US dollars and took another ricksha to Mahendranagar, the first town on the Nepali side of the border.

7. There's one bus from Mahendranagar to Pokhara a day. It left at 2.25 PM which meant that I had about eight hours to kill in Mahendranagar. Eight hours in Mahendranagar! There's nothing wrong with the town, for a border town it's perfectly all right. It's just that there's nothing to do there aside from watching one's toe nails grow...

8. ... And to buy a bus ticket to Pokhara (815 Nepali rupees). I got one of the last seats on the bus, so if you are headed for Pokhara from Mahendranagar get your ticket as soon as you get there. Otherwise you'll end up like me:

9. I got a seat in the drivers cabin, which I thought was fine until they piled seven men into the cabin. After three hours of driving I learned that the dudes were actually quite alright. But it was too late to cherish their company now as the smallest of the men was exchanged to a family of four. That's when it got really tight.

10. It was 16 painful hours from Mahendranagar to Pokhara, mainly in the dark. But hey. the road at least was fine.

Ten best places to visit in India and why you should go there too

After reading some enraged comments to my posts on India I think I should make it clear once and for all that I adore India.

Dear India! I never meant to hurt your feelings. I never meant to offend your religious views. I fully understand that you are the rising star of the world's economic chart. And yes, like everyone else, I love the smell of fresh cow poo in the morning.

These are my 10 favourite places to visit in India. It's hard to put them in order, but I'll do my best.

1. Varanasi. It doesn't get any more Indian anywhere in the country. The Ganges might be polluted here to her last drop but it's in Varanasi that India is best reflected on nervous her surface. The burning ghats are a fact of life to the Indians, but to a simple minded tourist like me they seem like they belong to some other Marsian universe into which I have generously been offered a glimpse.

2. Amritsar. Nowhere else in the world have I felt so welcome than in Amritsar's fabulous Golden Temple, which like I've said before, should be India's most famous building instead of the dissappointing Taj Mahal. It's not only that a visitor is offered food and shelter for free, it's being allowed to the presence of what's holy - and in return you only need to take your shoes off.

3. Srinagar. Loved the floating gardens! Loved the houseboats! Loved the Hazratbal mosque! Loved the bazaars. Loved the hospitality. Loved the ATM at the head office of The Bank of Jammu and Kashmir. Loved it, loved it, loved it!

4. Hampi. The hamlet town which did not let me down when I expected it to be amazing. Hampi might only be one road but how beautiful are the crazy rocky hills that surround it! It's closest to the moon one can get if one is afraid of space crafts, like I am.

5. Rishikesh. Blew me by surprise. The New Age capital of the world reveals her spiritual charms also to the unassuming sceptic. After a while even the most determined yoga freaks stop being intimidating and well, in the end, the other freaks are actually a good laugh. And do take a swim in the waterfalls.

6. Jaisalmer. No list of cities to visit in India would be complete without the mention of the government authorised bhang shop and Mr Bhang (bhang is a type of fine weed) of Jaisalmer. Even if bhang lassi was not your thing (it isn't mine, mom!) you can always go chat with Mr Bhang and fantasize about being given the chance to write up his memoirs. What stories he could tell! And what would his message to humanity?

7. Gokarna. A holy city where you can easily mingle with the pilgrims or the drunk ricksha drivers, which ever you prefer. It's still not on the travel map for the masses and hey, there's a beach here too.

8. Udaipur. I just liked it because it has a lake. After weeks in the deserty Rajashtan one is bound to appreciate the sight of water. The palaces are mighty cool as well.

9. Manali. Spend a day, lull away a week. Roam the hills, get smelly in the hot springs of the village of Vashist. Bullshit with the babas and please, do try that apple juice which would be good enough for any of the thousands of Indian deities to sip on their pedestal.

10. Jodhpur. The Mehangir fort of the blue city is awesome even on Indian standards which in my humble opinion are highest in the world.