10 do's for McLeod Ganj, Dharamsala

1. Arrive in McLeod Ganj two hours early from Manali at 4 AM when everything is closed. Fight with touts who want to take you to the shabbiest guesthouses down some freaking long steps. Say no to the overpriced lousy rooms and walk the even longer seeming steps back up and camp out on the street with stray dogs. Good fun if you have the right company! Shalom! Something in Danish!

2. After sunrise and two cups of chai start the hunt for a guesthouse. If you are coming from places like Manali and Leh the range of guesthouses in Dharamsala is depressing. Unappealing rooms with bathrooms in town proper go for 350 rs. After saying no to about ten rooms in town walk back to the cursed steps and get a room which isn't appealing but at least it's cheap, 150 rs, attached bathroom and balcony.

3. Check out the photo exhibit on the Chinese occupation of Tibet at Gu Chu Sum organisation's office. It's vile. Gu Chu Sum is an organisation for political prisoners of Tibet, run by former prisoners themselves. Photos of Tibetans, monks, students and familymen shot in the protests only a few years ago are on display. Equally gruelling are the drawings portraying Chinese methods of torture. The Tibet museum at the Dalai Lama complex is worth your while as well.

4. Let a Tibetan nun drag you into a conversation class on the roof of Gu Chu Sum. Teach her the difference between "we beat Chinese police" and "Chinese police beat us." Find yourself in one of the most absurd situations ever in your life by asking the former political prisoner to repeat after you "The Chinese... police... beat... us... in... prison."

5. Hungry? It's time for a cooking class. Sangyen at Jogiwara road teaches how to make momos every Wednesday at 11 AM and at 5 PM. 200 rupees only. Good fun. And he'll talk politics too.

6. If you've got the money and are feeling silly, get your birth horoscope done in the Tibetan Medical and Astro Institute of His Higness the Dalai Lama. It costs 2500 rupees. However as there are a lot of horoscope nutters around it takes three to five months to get you birth chart done. They'll send it to your home address so when you go, make sure you have a home address.

7. Seeing the Dalai Lama is a tick in the box manouvre. You will be listening his teachings on a cracking radio and even if the radio works, Dalai Lama will teach about things which are of interest only to people who know their Buddhism. If you think for a second you'll find the meaning of life listening to the man you are wrong.

8. Visiting Dharamsala is actually quite a pleasent way to spend half a day. It's a quiet Indian town which is a nice change from the touristy scene in McLeod Ganj. And a quiet Indian town is quite a novelty at its own right.

9. Walk up the hill to Bhagsu or Dharamkhot. Nothing much up there, but the views are nice,

10. Food: Yak restaurant has the best thukpa (Tibetan noodle soup). Snow lion has the most endearing service (thet screwed up my order three times out of six) and a great cheese and tomato omelette for breakfast. Carpe Diem is where the backpackers hang out, veg sandwiches highly recommendable. Kharna Nirvana has a nice vibe, entertainment on most nights (check out the jamming sessions on Wednesdays) and a strange menu which offers Mexican foor and then all kinds of stuff served in pita bread. Buy your momos on the streat stalls.

A cheater's guide to surviving a ten day Vipassana course

If you are seriously thinking of doing a ten day Vipassana meditation course you might not want to read this.

In a Vipassana course you commit yourself to not communicating in any way for ten days.

In exchange of all the nice things in life you get to meditate for 10 hours a day, to shower and to eat two light veg meals a day and have tea in the evening. And that's it. You can't read nor write. If you're really lucky, in the end you'll reach enlightenment. You probably won't, but at least you've taken the first steps on the noble Buddhist path leading to eternal happiness and love for all beings. Which is turn is pretty cool.

Now, why should you not read this? Because this guide will teach you the easier way out of a Vipassana course which means that your chances of becoming enligtened will diminish. And as enlightenment is the whole point of the course, why would you bother committing yourself to the harsh conditions if you are going to cheat?

Completing the course is unbelievably hard. You'll get paranoid. You'll get pissed off when your skin doesn't tickle the right way. You'll be hungry. You might not be able to sleep. All the shit you've accumulated in your life can come back to haunt you. You will suspect that everyone else in the course hates you as they keep on giving you these weird looks without saying a word. You might get delirious. Your knees and your back will do their best to make you cry out of pain, that's granted. Having to be quiet for ten days is one of the easiest things involving the course. It's meditating for ten hours a day which makes it a real killer.

So why would you read this? Because these instructions could help you from quitting the course and prevent you from wasting your time on a course which will get you nowhere if you can only cope with it for the first two days. And actually quite a few of these tips are genuine and don't involve any cheating.

I did the course in Dhamma Shikara in Dharamsala. Some of the instructions might be spesific to that place.

1. Come alone to the course. If you come with a friend you are going to have to pretend that you don't know one another for ten days. That can be truly trying when you can see that your friend looks miserable.

2. If you do come with a friend make it clear that you are not going to be talking to one another even if you feel like quitting the course. A friend wanting to quit the course will take your spirit down. So do yourselves a favour and agree in advance what will you do if the other one decides to leave: where is he or she going to stay while you're still at the course and where will you meet up after. It will save you from one headache. Trust me, you'll have enough aches at the course.

3. Great cheating tip! From day four on, you will have three daily strong determination classes in which you are not allowed to change your meditation posititon or open eyes. Now, this can be really hard as you are hurting like hell but have no idea when it's gonna end. Here's a solution: By this point you will be practicing doing rounds in which you concentrate on each part of your body one at a time. Now, if you time yourself to see how long one round is going to take, then you can count how many rounds you have left to do. You can time yourself in any of the other classes.

4. Cheating tip! Food can be scarse but you are not allowed to bring any food with you. However, they won't check your bags. Two packs of cookies might be a life saver when you are starving and feeling like shit.

5. Cheating tip! At tea time at five o'clock you will get a cup of tea, some bizarre parrot food and a fruit. If you can save the fruit till the next morning the first meditation session which starts at 4.30 in the morning will be less unpleasant as you won't have to go through it with an empty stomach like you're apparently supposed to. Alternatively, if

you have the guts, you might try taking two pieces of fruit and then saving the other one. This is a forbidden practice though and it's not only the management who'll look like they are dissappointed with you - your course comrades will notice it too. And they certainly will give you mean looks for that. I wanted to whack the people I caught nicking fruits. (That's that for compassion for all beings.)

6. Cheating tip! You are allowed to leave the meditation hall during the classes except the three daily group sessions. Many people seemed to be leaving the class a few minutes early which helps to be in front line for food. It takes a good while for people to fill their plates with the little dishes so this is actually a great advantage since all the time you get to spend outside the meditation hall is precious. But make sure that you never are the first in line as then other people will start noticing. Or you believe they do which adds to all your other paranoias. Which leads to the next tip.

7. You are bound to get paranoid as you can't say a thing. An example: you step on someone's toes and can't apologize. You'll think the person who has had his or her toes squashed hates you. They probably don't. They've done something similar themselves.

8. Your roommate doesn't hate you either even if she or he acts strange around you. People act strangely at this course. Don't be bothered by it.

9. In order to fight exhaustion and lack of sleep try sleeping whenever you can. After breakfast you'll have 45 minutes to sleep. At lunch you'll have an hour and 15 minutes. The one hour tea break is best used for showering as it is too short for a nap.

10. Cheating tip! In case #9 is not enough, the first meditation class after lunch at 1 o'clock is the easiest to skip since there will be no new instructions in this class. But be sure to make it back to the 2.30 group session.

11. Cheating tip! They'll only tell you on the 7th day that on the 10th day you will get talk again. Knowing that the silence ends a day early can work miracles on you when you are counting the days left. You will count days. Even the guru is empathetic with this.

12. The management people too know that you are going through a tough time. They've all completed their courses before, so don't hesitate to ask for help if you need something. And if you feel really shit, they will try to cheer you up somehow. They believe that the course is good for you and as they are nice Vipassana meditators they want you to get through it. Bare in mind that the management people are all there on a voluntary basis so that you could take the course.

13 tips to a perfect day in Manali for 4 euros - all inclusive!

1. Get up early in your Old Manali guesthouse (Laxmi is nice and cheap). Have breakfast at Shiva Garden cafe.

2. Walk up the hill to the Manu Rishi temple. It's not great but I it liked the little statues there for their text book lack of originality. Krishna playes a flute. Kali is pissed off. Durga sits on a lion. Temple architecture in its bareness and squareness is quite original though.

3. Follow the path past the temple until you reached a big rock onto which steps have been carved. Half way up take a right.

4. Enter the pine tree forest and hike up the hill. It's about 2 kilometers to the picture perfect village of Gushal where the villagers go about their business. You'll see the village from the top of the hill so you'll know where to go. And on your right you'll see the river.

5. Make your through the village and head to the river. There are small bridges that will take you over the several streams.

6. You've reached the village of Bhang on the Rohtang pass highway. (It's a far cry from a highway if I may add.) Take a right.

7. Walk on the road until you reach Rock Garden Cafe. (A far cry from a cafe, but there's a sign.) On the other side of the road you'll see a path which leads to a flight of steps. Climb

them.

8. You've reached the village of Vaishist where you can have lunch. Eat what you wish but do try the local apple juice. It's best when served truly chilled.

9. After lunch find your way to the Vaishist temple, known for its hot springs. It's bath time! English girls bring their bikinis. Indians and us Finns don't. A word of warning: the water is hot and reeks of sulphur. But I loved bathing there. I had fun chatting with an Indian woman who wanted me to start spitting on my toes in order to soften the hard bits caused by years of wearing to small shoes.

10. After the bath visit the babas. They have a rest rouse in the small temple's premises. If you are lucky, you might meet Baba Vias, a blogging baba in the the business of selling herbs. He has a splenid way of using the word "fuck". What a character! If you are in India in the winter, you can find him in Gokarna. The summers he spends in Himachal Pradesh.

11. Bid farewell to the babas and walk across the town until you find a sign pointing at the waterfall. It takes about 30 minutes to get there from Vaishist. If you are worried that you reek of sulphur you can take a plunge in the little natural pool. This time the water is cold. Very cold.

12. Walk back to Vaishist and then on to New Manali. If you've got the time check out the monastery. If you don't, then have dinner at one of the many restaurants in New Manali. They offer a refreshing change from the scene in the Wessie oriented Old Manali. In New Manali the restaurants cater mainly for Indian tourists so you can find any type of Indian food there. I had a Punjabi thali in Aasham Family Restaurant.

13. Tired? Take a ricksha back to Old Manali.

Costs

75 rs breakfast at Shiva Garden Cafe

65 rs samosa lunch, a bottle of apple juice and water

1 rupee fee for leaving your shoes at the cloak room at the Vaishit temple

75 rs for Punjabi thali in Aasham

40 rs ricksha back to Old Manali

In total

256 rupees, which is about 4 euros.

Night at Laxmi guesthouse 200 rs, hot water included. Not bad at all.

The other unforgettable journey: 21 hours from Leh to Manali

People taking the bus from Leh to Manali were told to show up on the Main Bazaar of Leh at midnight. The bus was to take off at 1 AM.

When I arrived a fight had already errupted. A European couple was having it with India.

"You try to tell me I didn't pay?" the young man with an akward yelled.

"Do you think in home country I care for 1000 rupees? That is 15 euros. That is nothing. Why would I try to cheat you?"

Her girlfriend went on:

"I hate this country! Every day someone cheats us. Every day we are fooled. Everyone is a liar and thief. And now this!"

The two were volunteer workers, who'd come to India with good intentions. This time they truely were being cheated. They had payed 1600 rupees (25 euros) each for the ride. But they had paid it to two different guys in the same agency, first paying a thousand as a reservation fee and then later the rest. And now their receipt only said they'd paid 2200 rs and a thousand rupees were missing. Strangely the men were both there to see the bus leave. More strangely the men admitted each having received the money. But as the couple only had a receipt for 2200 that was not going to be enough for the ticket collector, a third man from a different agency.

There was pushing. The girl, who worked for a volunteer organisation for female empowerment, tried to hold back her enraged boyfriend. Insults were flying from both sides. The Indians looked hurt.

"Europeans fight for every rupee even if it is not much money for them", one of the men said and was right. Many of us do, often only out of principle. It is humiliating to pay too much.

I did not see how it ended. My bus left, and the two tried to get on a minibus that was waiting behind the bus.

Five minutes into the ride I was about to fall asleep on the surpsingly comfy seat.

That was until the driver turned on the music. I did not know whether to laugh or cry. It was Hindi pop at it's loudest - almost like standing next to the loudspeakers at a rock festival.

The Indians didn't seem to mind. They were all falling asleep. For 15 minutes I tried to think it was funny. Then I had enough. I voiced my anger to the driver. But he wouldn't hear me, would he. Miraculously the young man already asleep next to me woke up and understood what I wanted. He went up to the driver.

The pop was turned down. I congratulated myself on silencing an Indian bus.

The silence lasted for about 10 minutes. That's probably how long the driver thought it would take for the party crashing stiff Wessie to fall asleep.

I tried yelling but it was again of no use. But to my surpise the sweet boy who by now was drewling against my shoulder woke up again and heroically went up to the driver.

Silence. Finally. On the next stop somewhere in the middle of nowhere the other Wessies thanked me for my persistance. I wondered why they hadn't said a thing. Did they think it was the Indian's right to ride in a bus louder than a disco? Was I wrong to try to make the ride bearable? Or were they just wimps? I don't know.

I woke up at sunrise to see that we were driving off road. We'd reached the Moray Plains at the altitude of 4500 meters. At what seemed like a short distance there was a curious looking mountain. We were driving towards it. Driving. Driving. The moon like plateau went on forever. After about an hour we actually got close to the mountain. A crater surrounded it.

That's when the man sitting in front of me got sick. With the rush of strenght that upcoming vomit gives one he tore open the window and did what he had to do.

I tried to cover myself with the window curtain and waited for the man to close the window. But he didn't. It was below zero degrees outside but his sickness was stubborn.

For the next five hours I kept closing the window until he'd open it again for his session.

Every now and then we stopped at the tented camps by the roadside to get some chai and noodles. No toilets anywhere. Nothing to go behind. The ride was starting to remind me more and more of a rock festival.

At around 5 o'clock we had a flat tyre. By then we had been travelling for 16 hours.

Reading was impossible in the bumpy bus. For a while we watched a Hindi movie in which a chubby chick wearing a miniskirt and a revealing top was robbing fat men with the aid of two tall helpers who were dressed up as rap stars. I couldn't tell if the boy next to me, who was awake for change, thought the girl was hot or not. I just knew that I laughed at different scenes than he did. At the end of the film the other helper, holding a pink umbrella, danced with a young girl. I'm sure I was not hallucinating.

The end of the film was the end of entertainment. It got dark and cold again.

That's when the lady sitting in front of me got sick. The same theatre I'd experienced in the morning began at fresh. She however managed to vomit on the window pane and made sure I was not going to touch the window again in order to close it. I chose to freeze.

Finally, at 10.30 PM we reached Manali. We had been driving for 21,5 hours.

The next day I woke up with a cold.

12 additional symptoms that tell it is time to leave India

31. You always refer to Indian cities by their new, post-colonial names. Yes, even Thiruvananthapuram.

32. You spend an evening watching the sun set over Manali with Russian-Free-Jazz-pioneer-turned-full-time-hippie Viktor Lukin who's trying to tell you your future using numerology. Strangely enough, he keeps getting all numbers mixed up or forgetting them completely. Must be something in the water.

33. Of the three main mango juices you only drink Frooti, because Maaza and Slice are owned by evil multinational corporations (Coca-Cola and Pepsi, respectively) that are raping the earth of it’s love and resources. You also think that Limca > Sprite and Thumbs Up > Coke, regardless of the fact they're essentially identical products manufactured by the same company.

34. You consider Ravi Shankar a sell-out.

35. Octopussy has your become favourite Bond-movie, but you never miss an opportunity to nitpick about it's errors (like the fact that Bond flies to Delhi, yet we see the plane landing over the Taj Mahal, Agra, and when he arrives in India he's suddenly in Udaipur, not Delhi. WTF?).

36. You can quite accurately determine the quality of a chillum just by looking through it. This endowment usually goes hand in hand with the ability to comprehend the meaning behind the lyrics of Jefferson Airplane's "Hey Frederick".

37. Continuously using the phrase “Real India” when conversing with other travellers (especially if they‘re less experienced than you), and it's always some place they haven't been to and never mentioned in the guidebooks. Also take pride in the fact that you never disinfect your hands, have stopped using malaria medicine, wash your clothes in a bathroom sink, walk around barefoot and complain constantly about how India has changed for the worse (implying that it's economic boom, increase in living standards and influx of foreign tourism has diminished it's "realness").

38. You’ve adopted the following local traits: You never pay any attention to the traffic when crossing a street; wobble your head when talking to locals; understand and follow cricket; are able to recognise “India-virgins” from a mile away (“look at that insecure walk, you can tell he has just arrived“); pronounce “bus stop” as “bus-is-stop" and never buy a full pack of cigarettes, only a few separate ones (either beedies or Gold Flake).

39. Having reached astronomical heights of pretentiousness, you rename yourself after a Hindu God. This has actually happened! I was sitting by a tea stall in Delhi when a dreadlocked backpacker and his hippie girlfried, who hadn't shaved her armpits in years, sat opposite to me. When I asked the guy for his name this happened:

"My name is Ganesh."

"Your name's Ganesh?" "Yeah."

"Is that the name on your passport?"

"No, Ganesh is my real name."

What an asshole. This is why we can't have nice things!

40. When a two eager young Indian guys in Pahar Ganj, Delhi, constantly keep asking you what sex with a blonde girl is like, you amuse yourself by finally answering: "Let me put it this way, you guys wouldn't last twenty seconds", and watch their jaws drop in disbelief.

41. The police catch you drunk driving a rickshaw, yet you manage to talk your way out of it without paying any baksheesh.

42. India aside, the only country that you have visited in the last 4 years is Nepal where you go every six months to renew your visa with a week long side trip to Pokhara.

Entry contributed by Toxic Waste Man, a.k.a Aleksi.

I've never had sex with a blonde girl.

You can read the 20 original symptoms here

and the 10 additional symptoms here.