10 do's for Delhi

1. Find out if the half naked man lying in a featal position on Chandni Chowk is really dead or does he need help. Do it the Indian way: stare! Then get embarrassed by realizing that the other onlookers aren't laughing at the man's bare ass but at you, seemingly interested in it.

2. Persist and witness the man move. Then wonder what could you possibly have done, had the man been dead?

3. Let a Pahar Ganj bus operator try to lure you into buying an all inclusive five day trip to Srinagar for 125 euros - accommodation included in his family's house boat. Then find this scam in the Lonely Planet, which states that people, who go on these pre-organised Srinagar trips have been taken hostage on these "my family house boats"! Decide that you absolutely want to go Srinagar, but not with this guy who simply lied to you about the road to Leh being already closed.

4. Spend a jolly morning with Guddu from Swing India Travels and teach him how he could get a blog. After wasting the man's time for two hours by not being able to decide finally book a ticket to Amritsar.

5. Escape the raging monsoon to the next dirtyish hole in the wall restaurant to feast on a huge, 25 rs masala dosa. Cheaper than buying an umbrella the price of which eventually went down from 150 rs to 100 rs.

6. Visiting the Jama Masjid, the biggest mosque in India, decide that it makes a nice stop mainly for the reason that it was built Shah Jahan and it's nice to compare it to Taj Mahal. Otherwise it's pretty bland - but it's free, so who's complaining. Beware of the con-artists who try to sell you 20 rs tickets.

7. Learn to use the Delhi metro. It's so clean and cool! And why on earth are all the people on the streets and not in this urban rail heaven? Do they like being pushed?

8. Get lost in the side streets of Chandni Chowk. Next time you are in Delhi you'll know where to buy stationaries and copper wire.

9. Let the Red Fort exceed your expectations. Not only is it not as boring as people say it is, it also makes a lovely getaway from the havoc on the streets.

10. Let a man in the ear cleaning business tell you, what an interesting job it is. You get to know, if people's ears are clean or really dirty.

Next stop: Amritsar! Then hopefully Srinagar, Leh and Manali.

Read where to eat in Delhi here.

Delhi: News update

1. 5 girls died in a stampede in a Delhi school. The kids were running away from the classroom which had open electric wiring and it was pouring down rain - into the classroom, I assume. The girls were stomped to death by their classmates.

2. It's still freaking raining and I've done nothing today.

3. I did meet a guy who had been a monk in Dharamsala for 6 years after giving up his career as a television presenter for a cable network. I spoke to him for a short time as he was off to eat some magic cookies.

4. A man killed his 12-year old niece as he was tired of paying for the poor orphan's HIV treatment. (This was in Lucknow though.)

5. Oh, and Freddy, after knowing me for 15 minutes, decided to give me his Lonely Planet India. Do I look that lost?!

Delhi as a first point of entry into India

My first day of the trip here in Delhi was... most uneventful. I arrived safe and sound, took a 50 rs bus to Connought Place and a ricksha to my prebooked guesthouse in Pahar Ganj.

I thought I had been tricked into paying too much for the first time on this trip before even stepping on Indian soil as I had agreed over e-mail to pay Ajay guesthouse 490 rs (8 euros) for a night even though the website said the price was 300. But I had a whopping room: A flat screen tv, air con, window with a view and hot water!

So really nothing to write home about. No bugs, no Delhi belly, no nothing. I guess the oddest thing that happened was a midget of a guy trying to sell me sex (1000 rs a night) but he was a far cry from the Jaisalmer geezer a few years back who tried to convince me what a good idea it would have been to fuck a horse.

I had plenty of chai, a Punjabi thali and said no to a zillion people trying to sell me the usual Indian stuff ranging from ear cleaning service to hashish.

Thankfully, I met Laura. It was her first day in India ever and she was petrified. The noise, the traffic, the "what is your name" guys, the repetition of the question, the dirt, the scammers, the windowless room for which she paid an exorbitant price, the hassle it is to buy train tickets, homeless people sleeping on side of a motorway, lack of hygiene, inadequate street signs, and the rest. All of which reminded me of my first day in Mumbai a few years back. Everyone who arrives in India for the first time and claims not to have a culture shock is phony.

Yet, we keep coming back.

Where to eat in Delhi - 12 great eats for 100 rupees or less

1. Nizam’s Kathi Kabab

Location: PVR Plaza, Middle Circle, Connaught Place

This place serves fantastic authentic Calcuttan Kathi Rolls (kebab wrapped in a paratha). Warning! These kababs are huge, so order only one at first. Like most of the cheaper eateries in Delhi this one doesn’t serve alcohol, so after dining head over to one of the many liqour shops of Connaught place and wash down your kabab with a cold 0,5L can of Kingfisher Strong (only 40 rupees!)

Protip: A liqour store is easily identified by the many rickshaws parked in front of it. In addition, rickshaw-wallahs make great beer buddies, at least if you’re a guy.

2. Khan Chacha’s

Location: Middle Lane, Khan Market

The Khan Market is an overpriced shopping enclave for Delhi’s financial elite that is of little for a tourist, save for what are possibly the best kebabs on the planet. There’s always a queue, but it’s worth it, and vegetarian’s can enjoy this one thanks to the splendid Paneer Tikka Roll.

Fun fact: This place is so popular, it even has a namesake in Hounslow.

3. Nathu’s Sweets and Bengali Sweet House

Location: Bengali Market, Connaught Place

Both these places serve great vegetarian food and excellent shingaras (Bengali samosas). The Bengali Sweet House’s thali deserves a special mention.

4. Rajinder Da Dhaba

Location: Kamal Complex, Safdarjung Enclave, South Delhi

If you’re on your way to see the Qutb Minar, stop here to satisfy carnivorous appetite with some of Delhi’s best tandoori chicken.

5. Multan Moth Bhandar

Location: Near Sheila Cinema, Desh Bhantu Gupta Road, Multani Dhanda, Paharganj

Situated in one of the side lanes behind the Sheila Cinema, this dhaba specializes in one thing: making the best kachori in the world.

Protip: To get the most out of a kachori you need to do the following:

-Purchase the world’s best kachori from Multan Moth Bhandar

-Acquire some curd

-Find some jalebis ( the Old & Famous Jalebi Wala in Chandni Chowk excels in this field)

-Break a hole on the top of the kachori

-Pour some curd in the hole

-Apply one or two kachoris on top of the curd filled jalebi

-Feast upon your creation, then repeat process

6. Frontier Samosa Shop

Location: Panchkuian Road, Connaught Place

If it’s the traditional potatoes-onion-green peas-samosa you’re craving for, look no further.

7. Sita Ram Diwan Chand

Location: Raignu Marg, Paharganj

Just off the Main Bazaar Road lies this fantastic little roadside eaterie. Assuming that you’re staying Paharganj, you should should start your day with Sitaram’s famed Chole Bhature.

8. Gali Paranthe Wali

Location: Chandni Chowk, Old Delhi

As the name suggests, this narrow bylane is devoted to making and selling parathas., and has been doing so since the late 19th century. Lined up are dozens of street stalls all making parathas with different and imaginative fillings. Most stalls are open until midnight, and they’re all “pure vegetarian” (i.e. no onions or garlic).

9. Lala Babu Chaat Bhandar

Location: Chandni Chowk, Old Delhi

Yet another great dhaba in Chandni Chowk . Especially popular are the gobi mutter samosas.

10. Natraj Café

Location: Chandni Chowk, Old Delhi

Allways full of Indian men making a deafening noise, the charming Natraj Café with it’s down-to-earth milieu is a great place for lunch. Grab a seat on the second floor balcony and gaze down on the frantic streets of Old Delhi while enjoying Natraj’s famous Aloo Tikki and Chaat.

Protip: To avoid embarrassment in front of Delhiites, remember that in the capital Pani Puris are called Gol Guppas.

11. Japani Samosa

Location: Chandni Chowk, Old Delhi

In one the many side streets of Chadni Chowk sit’s a man who is responsible for making what I consider the best samosa ever devised by man . The Japani Samosa doesn’t look anything like a samosa, nor did I get a proper explanation as to why it is called ‘Japani’, but that is all irrelevant once you bite into it. Filled with spicy potatoes, peas and awesomeness, and served with delicious choley and pickles, this is a must.

12. Ghantewala

Location: Chandni Chowk, Old Delhi

Set in the heart of Old Delhi, this iconic structure is one India’s oldest and most famous halwais. Although focusing primarily on sweets, the Ghantewala also does great salty snacks and their namkeens are the perfect treat for long train journeys. And if that didn’t convince you, get this: since 1790 this store has catered to the emperors and prime ministers of India. You think you know more about good food than the ruler of India?

This list was composed by Aleksi, a.k.a Toxic Waste Man

12 additional symptoms that tell it is time to leave India

31. You always refer to Indian cities by their new, post-colonial names. Yes, even Thiruvananthapuram.

32. You spend an evening watching the sun set over Manali with Russian-Free-Jazz-pioneer-turned-full-time-hippie Viktor Lukin who's trying to tell you your future using numerology. Strangely enough, he keeps getting all numbers mixed up or forgetting them completely. Must be something in the water.

33. Of the three main mango juices you only drink Frooti, because Maaza and Slice are owned by evil multinational corporations (Coca-Cola and Pepsi, respectively) that are raping the earth of it’s love and resources. You also think that Limca > Sprite and Thumbs Up > Coke, regardless of the fact they're essentially identical products manufactured by the same company.

34. You consider Ravi Shankar a sell-out.

35. Octopussy has your become favourite Bond-movie, but you never miss an opportunity to nitpick about it's errors (like the fact that Bond flies to Delhi, yet we see the plane landing over the Taj Mahal, Agra, and when he arrives in India he's suddenly in Udaipur, not Delhi. WTF?).

36. You can quite accurately determine the quality of a chillum just by looking through it. This endowment usually goes hand in hand with the ability to comprehend the meaning behind the lyrics of Jefferson Airplane's "Hey Frederick".

37. Continuously using the phrase “Real India” when conversing with other travellers (especially if they‘re less experienced than you), and it's always some place they haven't been to and never mentioned in the guidebooks. Also take pride in the fact that you never disinfect your hands, have stopped using malaria medicine, wash your clothes in a bathroom sink, walk around barefoot and complain constantly about how India has changed for the worse (implying that it's economic boom, increase in living standards and influx of foreign tourism has diminished it's "realness").

38. You’ve adopted the following local traits: You never pay any attention to the traffic when crossing a street; wobble your head when talking to locals; understand and follow cricket; are able to recognise “India-virgins” from a mile away (“look at that insecure walk, you can tell he has just arrived“); pronounce “bus stop” as “bus-is-stop" and never buy a full pack of cigarettes, only a few separate ones (either beedies or Gold Flake).

39. Having reached astronomical heights of pretentiousness, you rename yourself after a Hindu God. This has actually happened! I was sitting by a tea stall in Delhi when a dreadlocked backpacker and his hippie girlfried, who hadn't shaved her armpits in years, sat opposite to me. When I asked the guy for his name this happened:

"My name is Ganesh."

"Your name's Ganesh?" "Yeah."

"Is that the name on your passport?"

"No, Ganesh is my real name."

What an asshole. This is why we can't have nice things!

40. When a two eager young Indian guys in Pahar Ganj, Delhi, constantly keep asking you what sex with a blonde girl is like, you amuse yourself by finally answering: "Let me put it this way, you guys wouldn't last twenty seconds", and watch their jaws drop in disbelief.

41. The police catch you drunk driving a rickshaw, yet you manage to talk your way out of it without paying any baksheesh.

42. India aside, the only country that you have visited in the last 4 years is Nepal where you go every six months to renew your visa with a week long side trip to Pokhara.

Entry contributed by Toxic Waste Man, a.k.a Aleksi.

I've never had sex with a blonde girl.

You can read the 20 original symptoms here

and the 10 additional symptoms here.

12 books to read in India

1. White Tiger, by Aravind Adiga.

What: Corrupt, psychotic and wonderfully entertaining Bangalore businessman with a murderous past in Delhi writes nightly letters to the Chinese prime minister.

For whom: People who believe India is a country of ancient wisdom and spirituality.

An eye-opening 2008 Booker Prize winner. Thumbs up.

(An earlier comment can be found here.)

2. The God of Small Things by Arundhati Roy

What: A mother of two has a steamy affair with an untouchable and everything goes down the drain. Features pedophilia, Indian communism, caste system terror and a heart breaking love story.

For whom: Strong gutted bookworms with a passion for poetic novels.

An enthralling yet demanding read. Booker Prize winner from 1997.

3. Are You Experienced? by William Sutcliffe

What: English backpacker gets stoned in Manali, laid in Goa and sick from a curry. Features every single cliché in India's backpacker scene, with the sex ashram story as a highlight.

For whom: For everyone traveling to India to find out who they really are.

A fun quick read. Highly recommended.

4. The Inheritance of Loss by Kiran Desai

What: An orphaned daughter of an Indian cosmonaut moves in with her grandpa and faces the atrocities of the Nepalese uprising in Darjeeling in the mid-eighties.

For whom: Those who've been wondering how Heidi would have turned up had she been raised in the politically unstable Himalayas instead of the Swiss Alps.

Another great novel on modern India. Booker Prize winner from 2006.

5. Holy Cow, An Indian Adventure by Sarah MacDonald

What: A young Aussie woman travels around India and is oh so taken aback by the cruelty of current day India. Plot spoiler: In retrospect India turns out to be a fantastic life changing experience. Note, that this might also not be a spoiler as I could not be bothered to finish the stupid book.

For whom: Members of the baggy pants brigade who would just love to tell you how their two weeks in Arambol have completely reformed their outlook on life and that they are now thinking of getting a tribal tattoo.

A rubbish read. Listed here as a warning since it's still sold in every backpacker neighborhood in India.

6. Son of the Circus, by John Irving.

What: Emigrant doctor returns to Mumbai seeking the gene that causes achondroplasia dwarfism. Were else would one find appropriate dwarf subjects for study than in Indian circuses?

For whom: Bigoted John Irving fans who would like to see their literary hero fail when he takes his act away from his native Maine.

A New York Times bestseller. I do not understand why.

7. The yearbook of Indian Cosmopolitan magazine

What: Middle class Indian women struggle between tradition and modernity. Features refreshing articles on how to make your arranged marriage work and how to please your husband by serving him meat dishes (no beef of course).

For whom: Those wanting to time travel back to the age when it was still extravagant for married women to have jobs.

Even if you would never read Cosmopolitan, give the Indian version a try. It gives "bizarre" a whole new meaning.

8. Mahabharata written down by Ganesh, the elephant headed deity and dictated by Vyasa, considered to be an avatar of Vishnu, the All-Pervading essence of all beings.

What: A hindu epic. Features lots of gods and 1,8 million words. According to the Wikipedia roughly 10 times the length of the Iliad and Odyssey combined and roughly 5 times longer than Dante's Divine Comedy.

For whom: People desperate to look cool.

I liked the Bollywood version I saw.

9. Life of Pi by Yann Martel

What: A shipwrecked boy from Pondicherry sails the world on a life boat with a zoo and ends up alone with the tiger after the beast has eaten up all the rest of the animals.

For whom: People who drink Sprite. Impossible is nothing. Thirst is indeed a major issue if you are shipwrecked in the middle of the Pacific.

An entertaining Booker Prize winner from 2002.

10. The Art of Living: Vipassana Meditation: As Taught by S. N. Goenka by William Hart

What: A guide book to Vipassana meditation. Features lessons on how to be relieved from suffering through the practice of meditation.

For whom: People who don't know the meaning of the word "cynical". Popular among those who've just been divorced or fired.

A curious read.

11. Shantaram by Gregory David Roberts

What: Australian robber escapes from jail and finds himself living in a Bombay slum where he finally turns into good but still remains tough when needed.

For whom: All those romantics who in secret admire righteous criminals (as if they existed) and either a) enjoy reading long and boring pseudophilsophical dialogues or b) are practical enough to skip all those boring parts of the book and concentrate in the essential action.

A good read, anyway.

12: Ram Ram India by Nick Rossiter and Alex Thompson

What: Two English university graduates decide to cycle through India and leave preparations for those, who need to prepare. Everyone can ride a bike, eh?

For whom: Eternal optimists who need reassurance that planning is not essential. Travel planning perfectionists, who need proof, that planning is everything and lack of it destroys everything.

A Hilarious read.

20 symptoms that tell it is time to leave India

1. You don't swear anymore if you step on cow dung.

2. It's July and the monsoon is at its worst but you are still in Goa, playing to be a baba and living in the jungle.

3. You've found a way to make the 10 rupee begging kids to give you money.

4. Explicit carvings in places of worship don't make you want to photograph them anymore.

5. You drink tap water in order to cut expenses.

6. You pray to Hanuman and think it's perfectly normal for Westeners to pray to a monkey god even if they still were Christian yesterday.

7. You manage to spend days without anyone asking you "what is your country" or "what is your job".

8. You sport natural dread locks and think they look cool.

9. Blood red teeth and gums from betel nuts don't seem gross to you anymone. In fact, that's just how your mouth looks like.

10. You've developed immunity to seeing deformed children.

11. The old hippies in Pushkar seem neither tragic nor funny to you anymore.

12. You don't think it's weird when an internet cafe owner strikes a conversation with you about how having sex with horses is good for manhood.

13.You can't remember the last time you had Delhi belly.

14. You can describe filth with the same precision as the Inuits do when decribing snow.

15. You know your way around the old town of Varanasi.

16. You don't freak out if you get bitten by a stray dog as you figure that you probably would have had rabies already if you were meant to have it.

17. Even Indians understand why you are not married.

18. You don't get angry if you see a rape victim's name and photo in a newspaper.

19. You see a green dog and think nothing of it.

20. When you wake up in the middle of the night because a cockroach is crawling up your nose your first thought is not "fuck" but "I'd like some chai".

Want to read more? Ten additional symptoms can be found here.