A cheater's guide to surviving a ten day Vipassana course

If you are seriously thinking of doing a ten day Vipassana meditation course you might not want to read this.

In a Vipassana course you commit yourself to not communicating in any way for ten days.

In exchange of all the nice things in life you get to meditate for 10 hours a day, to shower and to eat two light veg meals a day and have tea in the evening. And that's it. You can't read nor write. If you're really lucky, in the end you'll reach enlightenment. You probably won't, but at least you've taken the first steps on the noble Buddhist path leading to eternal happiness and love for all beings. Which is turn is pretty cool.

Now, why should you not read this? Because this guide will teach you the easier way out of a Vipassana course which means that your chances of becoming enligtened will diminish. And as enlightenment is the whole point of the course, why would you bother committing yourself to the harsh conditions if you are going to cheat?

Completing the course is unbelievably hard. You'll get paranoid. You'll get pissed off when your skin doesn't tickle the right way. You'll be hungry. You might not be able to sleep. All the shit you've accumulated in your life can come back to haunt you. You will suspect that everyone else in the course hates you as they keep on giving you these weird looks without saying a word. You might get delirious. Your knees and your back will do their best to make you cry out of pain, that's granted. Having to be quiet for ten days is one of the easiest things involving the course. It's meditating for ten hours a day which makes it a real killer.

So why would you read this? Because these instructions could help you from quitting the course and prevent you from wasting your time on a course which will get you nowhere if you can only cope with it for the first two days. And actually quite a few of these tips are genuine and don't involve any cheating.

I did the course in Dhamma Shikara in Dharamsala. Some of the instructions might be spesific to that place.

1. Come alone to the course. If you come with a friend you are going to have to pretend that you don't know one another for ten days. That can be truly trying when you can see that your friend looks miserable.

2. If you do come with a friend make it clear that you are not going to be talking to one another even if you feel like quitting the course. A friend wanting to quit the course will take your spirit down. So do yourselves a favour and agree in advance what will you do if the other one decides to leave: where is he or she going to stay while you're still at the course and where will you meet up after. It will save you from one headache. Trust me, you'll have enough aches at the course.

3. Great cheating tip! From day four on, you will have three daily strong determination classes in which you are not allowed to change your meditation posititon or open eyes. Now, this can be really hard as you are hurting like hell but have no idea when it's gonna end. Here's a solution: By this point you will be practicing doing rounds in which you concentrate on each part of your body one at a time. Now, if you time yourself to see how long one round is going to take, then you can count how many rounds you have left to do. You can time yourself in any of the other classes.

4. Cheating tip! Food can be scarse but you are not allowed to bring any food with you. However, they won't check your bags. Two packs of cookies might be a life saver when you are starving and feeling like shit.

5. Cheating tip! At tea time at five o'clock you will get a cup of tea, some bizarre parrot food and a fruit. If you can save the fruit till the next morning the first meditation session which starts at 4.30 in the morning will be less unpleasant as you won't have to go through it with an empty stomach like you're apparently supposed to. Alternatively, if

you have the guts, you might try taking two pieces of fruit and then saving the other one. This is a forbidden practice though and it's not only the management who'll look like they are dissappointed with you - your course comrades will notice it too. And they certainly will give you mean looks for that. I wanted to whack the people I caught nicking fruits. (That's that for compassion for all beings.)

6. Cheating tip! You are allowed to leave the meditation hall during the classes except the three daily group sessions. Many people seemed to be leaving the class a few minutes early which helps to be in front line for food. It takes a good while for people to fill their plates with the little dishes so this is actually a great advantage since all the time you get to spend outside the meditation hall is precious. But make sure that you never are the first in line as then other people will start noticing. Or you believe they do which adds to all your other paranoias. Which leads to the next tip.

7. You are bound to get paranoid as you can't say a thing. An example: you step on someone's toes and can't apologize. You'll think the person who has had his or her toes squashed hates you. They probably don't. They've done something similar themselves.

8. Your roommate doesn't hate you either even if she or he acts strange around you. People act strangely at this course. Don't be bothered by it.

9. In order to fight exhaustion and lack of sleep try sleeping whenever you can. After breakfast you'll have 45 minutes to sleep. At lunch you'll have an hour and 15 minutes. The one hour tea break is best used for showering as it is too short for a nap.

10. Cheating tip! In case #9 is not enough, the first meditation class after lunch at 1 o'clock is the easiest to skip since there will be no new instructions in this class. But be sure to make it back to the 2.30 group session.

11. Cheating tip! They'll only tell you on the 7th day that on the 10th day you will get talk again. Knowing that the silence ends a day early can work miracles on you when you are counting the days left. You will count days. Even the guru is empathetic with this.

12. The management people too know that you are going through a tough time. They've all completed their courses before, so don't hesitate to ask for help if you need something. And if you feel really shit, they will try to cheer you up somehow. They believe that the course is good for you and as they are nice Vipassana meditators they want you to get through it. Bare in mind that the management people are all there on a voluntary basis so that you could take the course.

13 tips to a perfect day in Manali for 4 euros - all inclusive!

1. Get up early in your Old Manali guesthouse (Laxmi is nice and cheap). Have breakfast at Shiva Garden cafe.

2. Walk up the hill to the Manu Rishi temple. It's not great but I it liked the little statues there for their text book lack of originality. Krishna playes a flute. Kali is pissed off. Durga sits on a lion. Temple architecture in its bareness and squareness is quite original though.

3. Follow the path past the temple until you reached a big rock onto which steps have been carved. Half way up take a right.

4. Enter the pine tree forest and hike up the hill. It's about 2 kilometers to the picture perfect village of Gushal where the villagers go about their business. You'll see the village from the top of the hill so you'll know where to go. And on your right you'll see the river.

5. Make your through the village and head to the river. There are small bridges that will take you over the several streams.

6. You've reached the village of Bhang on the Rohtang pass highway. (It's a far cry from a highway if I may add.) Take a right.

7. Walk on the road until you reach Rock Garden Cafe. (A far cry from a cafe, but there's a sign.) On the other side of the road you'll see a path which leads to a flight of steps. Climb

them.

8. You've reached the village of Vaishist where you can have lunch. Eat what you wish but do try the local apple juice. It's best when served truly chilled.

9. After lunch find your way to the Vaishist temple, known for its hot springs. It's bath time! English girls bring their bikinis. Indians and us Finns don't. A word of warning: the water is hot and reeks of sulphur. But I loved bathing there. I had fun chatting with an Indian woman who wanted me to start spitting on my toes in order to soften the hard bits caused by years of wearing to small shoes.

10. After the bath visit the babas. They have a rest rouse in the small temple's premises. If you are lucky, you might meet Baba Vias, a blogging baba in the the business of selling herbs. He has a splenid way of using the word "fuck". What a character! If you are in India in the winter, you can find him in Gokarna. The summers he spends in Himachal Pradesh.

11. Bid farewell to the babas and walk across the town until you find a sign pointing at the waterfall. It takes about 30 minutes to get there from Vaishist. If you are worried that you reek of sulphur you can take a plunge in the little natural pool. This time the water is cold. Very cold.

12. Walk back to Vaishist and then on to New Manali. If you've got the time check out the monastery. If you don't, then have dinner at one of the many restaurants in New Manali. They offer a refreshing change from the scene in the Wessie oriented Old Manali. In New Manali the restaurants cater mainly for Indian tourists so you can find any type of Indian food there. I had a Punjabi thali in Aasham Family Restaurant.

13. Tired? Take a ricksha back to Old Manali.

Costs

75 rs breakfast at Shiva Garden Cafe

65 rs samosa lunch, a bottle of apple juice and water

1 rupee fee for leaving your shoes at the cloak room at the Vaishit temple

75 rs for Punjabi thali in Aasham

40 rs ricksha back to Old Manali

In total

256 rupees, which is about 4 euros.

Night at Laxmi guesthouse 200 rs, hot water included. Not bad at all.

How to make the best momo soup in the world - recipe!

I sneaked in to the kitchen of Tenzin Dickey Tibetan in Leh to see how they make their potato and cheese momo soup for which they ought to be world famous and millionaires. And this is how it's how it's done. Teenage son chops veggies. Mom makes momos of course and then dad cooks them.

Momos

Mix water and wheat flour to make a dry dough. Use one cup of water for 250 grsms of wheat flour.

Flatten it very thin. Use a glass to cut little round thingies.

Fill the rounds with mashed boiled potato and Indian cheese.

Mom uses her nails to foil them into nice neat momos.

Broth

Chop veggies small. Tomato, spinach, cabbage, carrot.

Spice it up with fresh garlic, soy souce and fresh ginger.

Add a reasonable amount of water.

Bring to boil. Add the momos and boil for five minutes.

If the soup needs more kick you can add some chili souce.

Sent the Koh-i-Noor back to Punjab!

As my infatuation with the turban wearing men keeps growing, I bought a book on Sikhism called the Sikhs by Khushwant Singh, a famous Sikh scholar.

The following is a brief summary on the most curious passage involving Koh-i-Noor and the cruelty of the English imperialism.

After two Anglo-Sikh wars the young maharaja Dalip Singh of Punjab surrended his dominions to the English and the kingdom of Sikhs ceased to be in 1849.

The English took the maharaja under their wing, and brainwashed him into Christianity. As if that wasn't enough they sent him to England and gave him an estate in Suffolk. In 1850 the Delhi Gazette reported an "announcement of a momentous event": The ex-sovereign of the Punjab has eaten a beef steak! "The king of Sikhs... has sold his claim to the allegiance of his people by a juicy mouthful".

The same year Lord Dalhousie, the man in charge of the English Punjabi operations visited the Golden Temple in Amritsar. The temple was beautifully lit up to honour of the conqueror. The English Lord did not care much for the Sikh hospitality however and chose to walk through the sacred precinncts with his shoes on.

The following year the English auctionedall the possessions of the Sikh kingdom except the Koh-i-Noor. The diamond was sent to England to become the most revered piece of the crown jewels.

However, the Sikhs were not at all that unhappy with the English rule. The last few Punjabi maharajas had been weak and the kingdom on the brink of collapsing. The English brought a period of peace and economic prosperity to Punjab. Not only that, the English demanded that all their new Sikh army recruits had to have a long, unshorn hair! According to Khushwant Singh, this demand was of enormous importance to preserving the Sikh identity as distinct from the Hindu which by the time was taking over the Punjabi pshyche. Had it not been for the English, Sikhism probably would have melted back into Hinduism.

History does have its odd twists. But I still think that the Koh-i-Noor belongs to Punjab. If you happen to know a petition I could sign, please let me know.

Another unforgettable journey in Kashmir

In the summer of 2008, serious communal violence resulting in dozens of fatalities, followed by massive strikes, curfews and business shut downs , left Kashmir mostly paralyzed. With the buses out service, you, in a momentary lapse of reason, decide to hitchhike your way through the troubled valley.

After 20 minutes of waiting along the Srinagar-Jammu highway, a jam-packed rustic station wagon that sort of resembles a jeep pulls over to pick you up. You cram yourself in the cargo area next to an elderly man with a taqiyah and opposite his two roughly 18-year old nephews who start up a light-hearted discussion with you. The nature of the conversation turns slightly more serious when the car passes an Indian military roadblock. “We don’t like Indians” exclaims one of the boys, “they’re ruining Kashmir”, to which everybody nods in agreement. The other boy points outside to a mural of the J&K National Panthers Party logo accompanied by the text 'Free Kashmir'.

Repudiating of Indian authorities goes on for several minutes (with western democracies getting their share of criticism) and as you finally try fit a word in, one of the boys interrupts you: “My father, he dead now…he make a sacrifice”. Then it hits you: these guys are fucking separatist militant nut jobs. Why on earth did you get in this car? Before you can properly assess the situation, the driver asks you in a poignant tone: “What religion are you?”.

Aw, shit! Now what? Saying that you don’t believe in god probably wouldn't go down too well with these guys, and since you couldn’t really pass yourself off as anything else, you decide to go with good ol’ Jesus. “I’m…uhhh…Christian?”. Total silence. The intimidating stares of your fellow passengers causes sweat to run down your brow as the guidebook stories of decapitated tourist spring to your mind. This is it, you’re fucked now, young man.

After the longest 15 seconds of your life the old man next you breaks the silence: “You know, Christianity is not that much different from Islam”. Pheeew, you know that feeling you get when you take a huge dump? Oh Jesus, Allah, Buddha, I love you all!

For the next hour or so the old man recites stories from days past when he was actively involved in the Kashmir conflict, and proudly informs you that the young generation is shaping up nicely. Inspired by the magnate’s words, the two boys divulge that after the Ramadan they were heading back to Srinagar to prove their worth.

The car finally reaches the town of Anantnag, and, although having had an interesting journey, you’re glad it’s over. As you pick up your rucksack and head for the door the old man grabs your shoulder. “By the way”, he says and presents you with his business card, “if you ever need a dry cleaner”.

Contributed by Toxic Waste Man a.k.a Aleksi

Read about my unforgettable Kashmiri journey here, how to find the perfect houseboat here and tips to Srinagar here.

The alternative guide to Kashmir

1.Visit Pahalgam.

Set on the banks of the Lidder river and sandwiched between snow capped mountains, the small town of Pahalgam is a must-see for all those visitng Kashmir. This used to be hot spot for domestic tourists, but after the advent of the armed insurgency in Kashmir most have relocated to the less spectacular Kullu and Parvati valleys. In addition to being scenically superior to the mountain towns of Himachal Pradesh, in Pahalgam stoned New Age hippies who consider wind chimes a musical instrument are conspicuous in their absence, so you don't have to endure discussions on the celestial properties of a rock. However, in summertime hordes of Hindu pilgrims show up here for the start of the pilgrimage to the holy Amarnath caves.

There's not much to do expect to walk around and be overwhelmed by the dramatic scenery of the fertile valley. There a some great one day hikes up to magnificent viewpoints and those who are staying longer should do treks to nearby mountain lakes and glaciers. Whatever you do, don't try climbing the mountains without a guide. I did, and what happened? I lost my passport. Yeah, I took my passport up a mountain, so what? I know it was fucking retarded, but what can you do?

Also be sure to visit the apple orchards on the northeastern edge of town where they produce the apples on the planet, no contest. The owners let you eat as many as you want and refuse to accept any payment, although they'll happily bum your cigarettes.

2. Having established myself as a respected food critic on this blog, I feel it is my duty to give you some insight on Kashmir’s culinary specialties.

The best to experience the local cuisine is to accept one the numerous invitations you'll receive to join a local family for dinner. Dining with Kashmiri family is a fascinating experience that gives unique perspicacity to the local lifestyle and the greatest honor is to receive an invitation to celebrate the Eid ul-Fitr (the end of the Ramadan), when the whole kinfolk gathers for a full-day feast. The main entry is the wazwan, a Kashmiri buffet so delicious it rivals the best South Indian dishes. During Eid food is consumed the duration of the whole day, and as my hosts joked:"Some people, after the Ramadan, eat too much food and then they die!". Yes, that is hilarious.

3. If your houseboat's bathroom has a window, you can entertain yourself by peeking out on the lake after flushing your toilet and see your fresh turd plunge in the lake. It's as funny as it sounds, but this toilet humour has a sinister undertone. The beautifully serene Dal lake is decaying from all sewage that is flushed into it causing overgrowth of weeds a shrinking water levels. So if you're visiting Kashmir and are enticed by the perfect mirror images of mountains displayed on the lake, bear in mind that it's essentially a pool of liquid shit.

4. To get an alternative perspective on Srinagar, take a walk around town during night. Apart from a few military patrols the the streets are completely deserted. They soldiers will tell you to go back to sleep, but if persist long enough, they'll happily give you a short walking tour through the haunting moonlit city, sharing their stories of the armed conflict that has plagued the valley for two decades . It's an unforgettable experience.

5. The vale of Kashmir boasts holy sites for Hindus (Amarnath Caves), Muslims (Hazbara Shrine which hosts a hair of the prophet Mohammad) and even Christians. What holy Christian site could Kashmir possible have? Oh nothing, excpet the tomb of Jesus Christ! That's right, the Rozanbul mausoleum in Srinagar's old town claims to be the final resting place of the son of god, Jesus of Nazareth himself. Evidence for this are the cemented footprints which contain holes in each foot indicating crucifixion. This hardly constitutes as absolute proof, so allow me to elaborate: According to the new testament, after his crucifixion Jesus rose from the dead and ascended to heaven. As all Kashmiris well know, Kashmir Is heaven, thus we can conclude that after his resurrection Christ hiked all the way to Srinagar.

There, using my infallible logic I have corroborated that Jesus rests in Srinagar, thereby giving all Christians the opportunity to get closer to their Lord and savior than ever before. You're welcome...

Contributed by Toxic Waste Man, a.k.a Aleksi.

You may read the original Srinagar post here and a guide to finding the perfect houseboat here.

A portait photo special from Leh

There's one thing that will strike you in the Ladakhi town of Leh. That's the looks of the people.

As Leh apparently is the closest you can get to Tibet in India, people look more Tibetan or Chinese than Indian. In fact, they look nothing like the Indians.

See for yourself.

And hey, they wear those sunglasses for a reason. The sunlight here is vile. And pilot glasses are cool!