Tansen - a Nepali town without the tourists

Tansen is the type of city that forces a smile on your face even if your guest house faces the noisy bus station and suffers from seriously bad plumbing.

The bad news first. Accomodation in the lovely mediaval city of Tansen does not quite measure the charm of its location. I searched and searched and what I found was bug infested, dirty rooms. I walked out of the Lonely Planet recommended "cheerful cheapie" hotel Bajra in a minute and I'm glad that I did - a couple I met who stayed there were madly itchy from bug bites. The other guest houses mentioned in the book were full, I guess with local tourists as Wessies

are an endeeringly rare site in Tansen.

I ended up in hotel Simrik in a room that smelled like shit but at least it didn't smell as bad as the toilet on the other side of the corridor. The odours of all the piss corners of all the Indian bus stations combined together are Chanel 5 compared to that toilet. Now, did I make myself clear?

On to the good news.

1.Tansen sits on a beautiful hill, topped by a little pine forest and a small Buddha statue.

2. Tansen's center cannot be entered by motorized vehicles as the roads are too steep for them. You'll get to wander around town unbothered by honking horns.

3. And there's so much wandering around to do! The little alleys are filled with vegetable and tailor's shops, chow mein restaurants and tea houses that sell delicious fresh Nepali bread, which actually isn't like bread at all but more like a first cousin of doughnut.

4. No kid will ask you for sweets or money. Most often they won't even hello you. They say "namaste" which is what they should say as you are in Nepal after all.

5. This is the kind of old fashioned place you normally only get to see in the black and white American movies before rock'n'roll came to town. The scenic spots harbour not tourists but shy young couples trying hard not to be seen. The guys will readily volunteer you information on where to go next as they are most eager to get rid of intruders to their romantic moment. How sweet they are!

6. The Nanglo West restaurant, the only upscale one in town, serves amazing Nepali food sets for a fraction of the price you would pay in Pokhara or Kathmandu in a similar place. Beware the garlic!

7. This, I believe, is Nepal.

10 cheapskate tips for the Poon Hill trek in Nepal

The Poon Hill trek is one of the easiest and most famous shorter treks you can do in Nepal. It takes a minimum of four days but can be easily extended to six. The views to the Annapurnas will melt your heart at least if you are new to the Nepali Himalayas.

If you are trying to travel cheap bare in mind that the mountains add an extra charge to everything. Budget 10 euros a day and you'll be quite comfy.

1. You really don't need a guide. The trails are marked well enough and like it or, there's always someone you can ask for directions. The last thing you want to spend your precious pennies on is a cheap guide (500 rs, 5 euros a day), who doesn't speak English that well. There are guides, who are amazingly fluent even in Japanese, should you feel like practicing konnichiwa-ing, but they come with a dear price tag (at least 18 euros a day).

2. You really don't need a porter for the Poon Hill trek (approximately 8 euros a day). Just pack light. I did my layndry every night and only carried a t-shirt, pair of socks and underwear, a light jacket and light pants. In addition I brought along a travel towel, a camera, a torch, necessary medication and four musli bars and a bag of peanuts for emergencies. I was fine although a book would have been nice.

3. You don't even need to invest in a proper map (300 rs). For the Poon Hill trek the kiddy map you get with your hiking permit (2000 rupees) is enough. I'm actually quite thankful I didn't have a map which would have warned me that it's 3820 wide steps up from Tikhedunga to Ulleri. With that knowledge I probably would have collapsed half way through.

4. One thing you must take along are water purification tablets or drops. The price of bottled water in the hills is obscene (250 rupees a litre) which is fair enough as empty water bottles are a serious menace to the environment. You should be made to pay if you are going to pollute!

5. Here's how the accomodation system works: You pay a hundred rupees per person for a bed, irrespective of whether you are one person staying in a double room or three persons staying in a triple. But to get the cheap price you must commit yourself to eating both dinner and breakfast at your guesthouse. If you'd rather eat someplace else the price of a double can go up to 500 rupees...

6. ...Which means that it really isn't worth while trying to cook for yourself. In addition to having to pay loads more for the room, the guesthouses charge 400 rupees for the use of their kitchen facilities.

7. The cheapskates are better of contenting themselves to a diet of noodle soup and momos for the duration of the trek. They are the cheapest items on the menus all of which have the same items on them. A veg noodle soup costs a hundred rupees and plate of momos about 160 rupees depending on the filling. A pizza goes for 300 rs.

8. Get your online stuff sorted before you get moving. You can get on the internet in Ghorepani, but it costs 300 rupees per hour which I do think is a fairer price than the 100 rs you have to pay in Pokhara. You are in the mountains after all. (In comparison, in the non-touristy towns of Mahendranagr and Tansen the price of an online hour is 30-40 rupees.)

9. If you really must have a cinnamon roll (100 rs) or any other "German bakery" item, buy it in early the morning when you can bargain the price down because the roll was baked yesterday. It's still pretty good.

10. Here's the oddest thing: it's usually cheaper to buy separate cups of tea then share a small or a big pot of tea. A small pot goes for 120 rupees whereas a cup costs 35. The small pot barely has three cups in it. It makes absolutely no sense but that's how it is.

Most importantly: every time you feel like bickering about the price remember that in most cases it has been carried up to the village so that you could have a comfortable stay.

Pokhara, Nepal: At least the rat should be happy

Pokhara, or Pokhara base camp, like the gore tex gang likes to call it, was a similar exprerience to the Indian town of Leh. I had massive expectations which were not met. I was hoping to see a Nepali town but instead I ended up in a tourist ghetto, albeit a friendly one.

Yet the only reason for the masses of tourists to go there is to leave it to go trekking.

For that it's perfect. There are a zillion cheapish banana pancake restaurants, traveller's agents and a few expensive restaurants which offer free wi-fi, which is a better option to the overpriced internet places if you happen to have a lap top with you.

These are my do's for Pokhara.

1. Do test your legs hiking up to the Peace Pagoda. The views to the Phewa Tal lake are well worth it. Visit Devis Fall if it happens to be on your way up or down from the Pagoda. Unless you are in Pokhara during the monsoon, the waterfall, which strangely enough disappears to the ground, is not worth the long walk from Lakeside.

2. Stay in Lakeside North. The price of accomodation descends steeply once you move North from the central area (from 500 rs to 200 rs) and it's not that long a walk. I particularly liked the Bishnu guest house. The rooms are clean, there's always hot water and you can help yourself to the bar if the owners are not around. Just remember to sign your purchase into the book.

3. In case you really feel like shopping but your backpack is already close to bursting, do let them do your laundry in the Banana Garden Lodge. That will help you shed extra weight. I got my fleece back missing a sleave (in the pic). Apparently it ended up in a rat's nest. The manager of the guest house gave me a replacement which was neither clean, nor light. Needless to say, the ill fitting fleece also broke all records in fleece ugliness. To be fair I should add that the manager was truly sorry for my loss, apologized so that in the end he made smile and now I feel bad about even mentioning the incident. It was not their fault and I'm a terrible prick.

4. There is a piece of real Nepal you can witness visiting the Bhindya Basini temple. When I went, a load of chickens had just been sacrificed in the shrine dedicated to Kali and the ground was soaked with blood, still steaming.

5. Try the buffalo momos at Lumbini restaurant - they probably are the most delicious meet filled momos in the world. But don't go there if you are really hungry - at best it takes them an hour to get the food on your table. The momos are worth the wait though.

6. Stroll around the old town of Pokhara. It gives you an idea what Pokhara was like before the gore tex gang made it there base camp.

7. Most importantly, prepare yourself to be nestled in a tourist ghetto. If you come to Pokhara with the right attitude, it's a great place to chill for a few days before hitting the trail. Enjoy the pizza. Enjoy the apple pies. Enjoy the two for the price of one cocktails at happy hour in any of the bars. "Sex on the lake" at Chilly's was really nice!

A tricky trip from Rishikesh, India to Pokhara, Nepal

Folks, the one road in Eastern Terai is fine. Other than that, travelling from Rishikesh India to Pokhara Nepal is hellish. Here's a short version of what happened during the 40 hour killer trip.

1. I took a vikram (a shared ricksha) from High Bank, Rishikesh to Rishikesh proper. (20 rupees.)

2. I took another vikram which was supposed to take me to Haridwar. It didn't. Instead the driver dumped me off in some junction and hustled me into a third vikram. Changing vikrams I stepped in an open sewer. In the third vikram then, a cute guy sat on my poo soaked shoe. I refrained from notifying the guy about the unfortunate incident. These two vikrams cost me 100 rupees.

3. Finally in Haridwar, at 7 PM I hopped on a government night bus (215 rs) to Bambassa in which I managed to sleep for about an hour.

4. Usually one hopes to get out of a crappy bus as quickly as possible. Not this time. I arrived in Bambassa at 4 AM, which indeed is a sucky time arrive anywhere. Fortunately though I wasn't the only one heading to Nepal. The main strip (the only strip, I mean) was full of people waiting for the border to open. I sat at a small tea stall and like everyone else tried to keep warm by the fire. No other Wessies to be seen anywhere!

5. The border opens at 6 AM so I took a bicyclericksha (the driver in the pic) to the Indian side of the border and walked for about a kilometer to reach the Nepali side.

6. At the Nepali side the border officer was nowhere to be found. His sweet wife, who had just walked out of a shower (or whatever dip in the water) kindly handed me the visa application form. When his husband came back from his odd morning business I payed 40 US dollars and took another ricksha to Mahendranagar, the first town on the Nepali side of the border.

7. There's one bus from Mahendranagar to Pokhara a day. It left at 2.25 PM which meant that I had about eight hours to kill in Mahendranagar. Eight hours in Mahendranagar! There's nothing wrong with the town, for a border town it's perfectly all right. It's just that there's nothing to do there aside from watching one's toe nails grow...

8. ... And to buy a bus ticket to Pokhara (815 Nepali rupees). I got one of the last seats on the bus, so if you are headed for Pokhara from Mahendranagar get your ticket as soon as you get there. Otherwise you'll end up like me:

9. I got a seat in the drivers cabin, which I thought was fine until they piled seven men into the cabin. After three hours of driving I learned that the dudes were actually quite alright. But it was too late to cherish their company now as the smallest of the men was exchanged to a family of four. That's when it got really tight.

10. It was 16 painful hours from Mahendranagar to Pokhara, mainly in the dark. But hey. the road at least was fine.

Ten best places to visit in India and why you should go there too

After reading some enraged comments to my posts on India I think I should make it clear once and for all that I adore India.

Dear India! I never meant to hurt your feelings. I never meant to offend your religious views. I fully understand that you are the rising star of the world's economic chart. And yes, like everyone else, I love the smell of fresh cow poo in the morning.

These are my 10 favourite places to visit in India. It's hard to put them in order, but I'll do my best.

1. Varanasi. It doesn't get any more Indian anywhere in the country. The Ganges might be polluted here to her last drop but it's in Varanasi that India is best reflected on nervous her surface. The burning ghats are a fact of life to the Indians, but to a simple minded tourist like me they seem like they belong to some other Marsian universe into which I have generously been offered a glimpse.

2. Amritsar. Nowhere else in the world have I felt so welcome than in Amritsar's fabulous Golden Temple, which like I've said before, should be India's most famous building instead of the dissappointing Taj Mahal. It's not only that a visitor is offered food and shelter for free, it's being allowed to the presence of what's holy - and in return you only need to take your shoes off.

3. Srinagar. Loved the floating gardens! Loved the houseboats! Loved the Hazratbal mosque! Loved the bazaars. Loved the hospitality. Loved the ATM at the head office of The Bank of Jammu and Kashmir. Loved it, loved it, loved it!

4. Hampi. The hamlet town which did not let me down when I expected it to be amazing. Hampi might only be one road but how beautiful are the crazy rocky hills that surround it! It's closest to the moon one can get if one is afraid of space crafts, like I am.

5. Rishikesh. Blew me by surprise. The New Age capital of the world reveals her spiritual charms also to the unassuming sceptic. After a while even the most determined yoga freaks stop being intimidating and well, in the end, the other freaks are actually a good laugh. And do take a swim in the waterfalls.

6. Jaisalmer. No list of cities to visit in India would be complete without the mention of the government authorised bhang shop and Mr Bhang (bhang is a type of fine weed) of Jaisalmer. Even if bhang lassi was not your thing (it isn't mine, mom!) you can always go chat with Mr Bhang and fantasize about being given the chance to write up his memoirs. What stories he could tell! And what would his message to humanity?

7. Gokarna. A holy city where you can easily mingle with the pilgrims or the drunk ricksha drivers, which ever you prefer. It's still not on the travel map for the masses and hey, there's a beach here too.

8. Udaipur. I just liked it because it has a lake. After weeks in the deserty Rajashtan one is bound to appreciate the sight of water. The palaces are mighty cool as well.

9. Manali. Spend a day, lull away a week. Roam the hills, get smelly in the hot springs of the village of Vashist. Bullshit with the babas and please, do try that apple juice which would be good enough for any of the thousands of Indian deities to sip on their pedestal.

10. Jodhpur. The Mehangir fort of the blue city is awesome even on Indian standards which in my humble opinion are highest in the world.

5 Karmic do's for Rishikesh

1. Arrive in the oh so New Age Rishikesh weary of all the hippies and yoga nutters, conviced that this would not be your place. Laying your eyes on the sacred Ganges have a total change of heart. Not knowing exactly why, you now want to join their ranks. Maybe they add something in Kinley here (Kinley is Coca-Cola's Indian mineral water brand).

2. Begin the search for yoga classes for beginners. Allow the search be disrupted by Mitch, a corporate risk analyst on his way to get bananas for the holy cows. Learn that an astrologer has just told Mitch to feed hungry cows since his Mercury is too low and he'll be damned if he doesn't. Inquire about his astrological sign. Leo! Same as yours. Inquire about his birthday. Same as yours! Which means Mercury is fucked up in your chart as well.

3. Join Mitch on this desperate mission to save your lives. Invest 10 rupees in green bananas and start looking for hungry cows.

4. Marvel at Mitch's cunning when he insightfully utters: "It's easier to feed cows you haven't met before", when a nutter of a cow starts following you after being fed two bananas. Indeed, India is a country of spirituality and wisdom, some of which you are bound to embellish while travelling here.

5. Get a blessing from a man dressed up as Hanuman for the Diwali festival in order to make sure, your mission has been properly completed. With these things you can never be too sure!

10 do's for McLeod Ganj, Dharamsala

1. Arrive in McLeod Ganj two hours early from Manali at 4 AM when everything is closed. Fight with touts who want to take you to the shabbiest guesthouses down some freaking long steps. Say no to the overpriced lousy rooms and walk the even longer seeming steps back up and camp out on the street with stray dogs. Good fun if you have the right company! Shalom! Something in Danish!

2. After sunrise and two cups of chai start the hunt for a guesthouse. If you are coming from places like Manali and Leh the range of guesthouses in Dharamsala is depressing. Unappealing rooms with bathrooms in town proper go for 350 rs. After saying no to about ten rooms in town walk back to the cursed steps and get a room which isn't appealing but at least it's cheap, 150 rs, attached bathroom and balcony.

3. Check out the photo exhibit on the Chinese occupation of Tibet at Gu Chu Sum organisation's office. It's vile. Gu Chu Sum is an organisation for political prisoners of Tibet, run by former prisoners themselves. Photos of Tibetans, monks, students and familymen shot in the protests only a few years ago are on display. Equally gruelling are the drawings portraying Chinese methods of torture. The Tibet museum at the Dalai Lama complex is worth your while as well.

4. Let a Tibetan nun drag you into a conversation class on the roof of Gu Chu Sum. Teach her the difference between "we beat Chinese police" and "Chinese police beat us." Find yourself in one of the most absurd situations ever in your life by asking the former political prisoner to repeat after you "The Chinese... police... beat... us... in... prison."

5. Hungry? It's time for a cooking class. Sangyen at Jogiwara road teaches how to make momos every Wednesday at 11 AM and at 5 PM. 200 rupees only. Good fun. And he'll talk politics too.

6. If you've got the money and are feeling silly, get your birth horoscope done in the Tibetan Medical and Astro Institute of His Higness the Dalai Lama. It costs 2500 rupees. However as there are a lot of horoscope nutters around it takes three to five months to get you birth chart done. They'll send it to your home address so when you go, make sure you have a home address.

7. Seeing the Dalai Lama is a tick in the box manouvre. You will be listening his teachings on a cracking radio and even if the radio works, Dalai Lama will teach about things which are of interest only to people who know their Buddhism. If you think for a second you'll find the meaning of life listening to the man you are wrong.

8. Visiting Dharamsala is actually quite a pleasent way to spend half a day. It's a quiet Indian town which is a nice change from the touristy scene in McLeod Ganj. And a quiet Indian town is quite a novelty at its own right.

9. Walk up the hill to Bhagsu or Dharamkhot. Nothing much up there, but the views are nice,

10. Food: Yak restaurant has the best thukpa (Tibetan noodle soup). Snow lion has the most endearing service (thet screwed up my order three times out of six) and a great cheese and tomato omelette for breakfast. Carpe Diem is where the backpackers hang out, veg sandwiches highly recommendable. Kharna Nirvana has a nice vibe, entertainment on most nights (check out the jamming sessions on Wednesdays) and a strange menu which offers Mexican foor and then all kinds of stuff served in pita bread. Buy your momos on the streat stalls.