Sex, drugs and no reggae - 5 reasons why I hate Jamaica

Usain Bolt might be the world's favorite athlete at the moment but that does not stop me from hating Jamaica. Out of the 55 countries I've been to, Jamaica is the only one where I would not go back unless I got payed to go. (Folks, if you think I'm bragging, I would like to point out that this whole blog is about me trying to travel to a hundred countries. Now that's pretentious.) These are the five reasons to why I hate Jamaica.

1. It started the minute I arrived to my hotel in the God forsaken tourist trap of Montego Bay.

"You smoke?" The receptionist of the three star hotel asked me.

"Yeah, I smoke", I replied puffing a Canadian duMaurier and thinking that my life would be a hell of a lot easier if my mother was as dumb as this guy.

"We give you good price", the receptionist ventured.

"Uhm", I said, startled, grabbed the key and walked into the above-my-standard room.

The phone rang.

"We give you good price. Buy now", said the receptionist.

"Uhm, no thanks."

I admit, I was the dumb one. I was in Jamaica after all. I should have guessed what the receptionist meant with "you smoke?".

From then on the drug dealing began every time I walked in or out of my room. The receptionist kept calling in the mornings and in the evenings. "Good price, good price." After a few days, in order to stop the dude calling my room constantly, I told him that I had bought my shit from the street ("good price, good price") and did not need his services. After that, there was very little service to be had from this three star hotel.

2. About an hour after leaving my hotel for the first time, I got assaulted. The incident has been described earlier here.

3. Walking back to the hotel from downtown a few hours after the assault a group of men sitting idle started oohing and aahing at me. I tried to pass by as quickly as possible but that was to no avail. Two of them approached.

"You look very beautiful. Come and sit with us."

"Uhm, no thanks. I need to get back to my hotel. And my boyfriend wouldn't like it."

"You are a racist."

I thought I'd do better if I just walked away, so I kept moving.

"Racist! You fucking racist! You white slut." the wonder boys of logics yelled, making sure that everyone else on the street knew what they thought of me.

4. Going out for an exorbitantly priced beer in one the beach side bars later on I was relieved that finally I was left alone. In fact young men stralling around the bar took no notice of me, the poor student, whatsoever - they seemed to be into much older women. That's when I realized how many couples, middle-aged Western women and young Jamaican men, there were around me. It dawned on me that I had landed in one of the premier spots for women's sex tourism and to be frank, the sight was so ugly that I decided to buy myself a gigantic dildo for my 40th birthday.

5. After my first day I was too freaked out to talk to anyone. It seemed that they either wanted to sell me drugs or sex and as I was not interested in purchasing any of the two, it was better to keep all communication to minimum. For the rest of the time I felt like a zombie.

To be fair, it was not all bad. I liked Kingston, where there were no tourists and thus no people trying to sell me the aforementioned goods. There was not much to see there either - where the hell are all the cool record shops selling reggae vinyls? - but the city itself was alright. The Jamaican beaches are of course superb, if only you didn't have to pay a hefty entrance fee to some 5* hotel who owns the strip. And I liked the beef patties.

Drugged in Cambodia - worst of traveling, top 5

1. As the backpacker bus from Bangkok reaches Poipet on the Cambodian border realize that you are the only traveler on the bus whose ticket is valid only to Poipet instead of the site of Anchor temples, Siem Reap, 8 hours on from the border. Get absolutely pissed when the driver demands you to flash in more bahts to take you to Siem Reap and walk out of the bus.

Flag down a tuk tuk and enter Cambodia on your own. Not knowing what's awaiting, feel a certain sense of pride of not letting those scammers take advantage of you. Flag down a pickup truck and let it tour you around the nasty little hell hole that's Poipet while it tries to pull more passengers. After an hour's tour find yourself crammed on the tiny cargo bed with 15 adults and three kids - it's painful. When the pick up finally hits the road let a weather worn old woman drink from your water bottle when she asks for a sip. Take a gulp yourself. You stupid jackass!

Drop your head to your knees as if life had been sucked out of your body and feel yourself falling asleep like you'd just taken a kick ass sleeping pill which makes Tenox, Stille Nacht and Imovane seem like pills adequate only for the lobotomized.

Regaining consciousness later on realize that your wallet is missing and then thank God when you retain it after noticing that the fat stupid ugly woman opposite you is hiding it in her skirt. Finally in Siem Reap realize that the reason why she smiled handing it back to you was not because she was sorry but because she still had your camera.

2. Manaus Brazil - the old rubber capital of South America with a pink opera house left as a reminder of its days of glory before rubber seeds were smuggled to Malaysia and the rubber industry in the Amazon consequently ruined, is nice only if you have a fetish for begging cripples. Otherwise steer clear from it.

3. On your first day in Montego Bay, Jamaica, find your way out of the resort area since it just sucks. Let your traveling duo be approached by a fellow, who only seems to want to show you that he excels in questioning you on where are you from, what do you do, and what is your name, blaah, blaah, blaah. Half an hour later, as the guy gets more and more tedious by the minute, exchange a few words in Finnish with your friend and decide to ditch the bore.

Next, learn that labeling this dude dull was a serious error of judgement, when he demands to be payed for being your guide to this shit hole while a group of his comrades suddenly appears from nowhere and surrounds you to make sure you understand the gravity of his demand. After an attempt to beat Jamaicans at 100 meter sprint race, relent and give the bugger 20 bucks. Hate Jamaica ever since.

4. Meet the only hot English teacher on the planet in a guesthouse on the outskirts of Beijing, China. Have a great night out in Sanlitun whisking down Tsingtaos like you had just escaped a desert monastery run by the sisterhood of thou shalt not drink.

Wake up seriously hangover 5 minutes before your bus to Simatai to see the Great Wall of China. On the way, eat the leftovers of a spinach pie that did not taste good to begin with. Feel a little sick and eat nothing the whole day - after all you've got a dinner date with the hottie that night. At dinner, refuse to eat, but agree to the suggested albeit slightly odd drink of warm lemon juice mixed with milk, which is supposed to make you feel better. After a few sips, politely excuse yourself as you storm out of the bathroomless restaurant to puke behind the corner. Repeat this a few times and do not wonder why the hottie never asked for your e-mail address.

5. Only's, the bar favorite in Peterborough, Ontario, Canada, ran out of KLB Breweries' Raspberry Wheat one night. I cried.